Saturday 12 June 2021

Chinese whispers


This is the current state of the pineapple. It needs a bit more tweaking before I do the things that have to be done to give it a little more humility for when it takes its place on the empty pillar next to its much older brother. 

I need help from a younger person, but I cannot seem to find anyone who would fit the job description. My erstwhile glamorous assistant  - though talented - turned out to be what a very generous person might describe as 'unreliable'. Strangely, I wish I was the only person whose job has been badly affected by the Covid business. I might be getting more sympathy and offers of help right now if I was.

I went to my stone-supplier (or the only one I have dealt with before who is still in business) to ask him to cut some stone fore me which I had previously bought from someone else. He thought about it for two seconds, then blurted out a price which made me visibly blanch. So much so that he asked me if I was shocked. I couldn't deny it. 

I pleaded poverty and blamed it on Covid (brushing the previous 40 years of incompetence and mismanagement under the carpet). He said that all builders and masons have so much work now that they cannot keep up with it. I reminded him that I was not a builder or a mason.

It is true. Anyone involved in the building industry can pick and choose whatever work they want from the developers and private owners who are clamouring to spend money on property right now. House prices have risen by over 12% since the beginning of lockdown. The pineapple job was as a result of a chance meeting with a property developer who was granted permission to develop an abandoned pub on the condition that she replaced the missing pineapple on the gateposts attached to it.

I have been staring at that thing for a long time now - too long - and have had plenty of time to consider the much-used symbolism of pineapples as compared to the actual fruit.

It is as if telephones existed back in the 17th century, and one day a traveller in an exotic land called a friend back in England and attempted to describe what a pineapple looked like. Half way through the call his money ran out and he was cut off. His friend then tried to relay the description to a stone carver, and so we end up with something which looks like a cross between a fir cone, a hazelnut, an acorn and a cabbage.

43 comments:

  1. How much talent and professionalism is needed to do what you do. I'm sorry to hear about the other difficulties.

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    1. Thank you Yael. I wish all my clients were as appreciative as you.

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  2. What a fabulous job you are making of that pineapple - I do hope that you receive a decent renumeration for it.

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    1. Unfortunately not. She caught me at what I believed at the time to be my lowest ebb, where I would work for half the amount I would have previously just to get the job. At that point I thought my confidence had reached an all-time low, but I was wrong there too. Oh well.

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  3. I like the description!
    We saw a pair of pineapple topped gateposts on our travels, in red stone, quite dark so old red sandstone from the Permian Age I would guess. Gently weathered too.

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    1. Red sandstone is horrid stuff to work with. It blunts your tools, stains your clothes and kills you with silicosis all at the same time.

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  4. I'm seeing it as a helmeted medieval soldier.

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  5. Love your description of what a pineapple looks like.

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    1. Have you noticed the main distinguishing feature of pineapples - a Tina Turner hair-do - is completely absent from this version, Weave?

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  6. Your pineapple looks wonderful, even if it is missing the necessary hair-do.

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  7. It looks like great precision work. As far as pineapples go - it’s a very elegant one! What about the Chinese whispers, though?

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  8. I like your pineapple. The carving on the bottom section is particularly unique. Is the pineapple made to match the original pineapple on the gatepost? The property developer might be a good connection toward other custom work.

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    1. Yes, it is one of a pair, one missing. I am hoping for more stuff to do on the place.

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  9. I guess you need help getting it set on the gate post. I wish you success. If it matches its mate across the way then it is/was someone's pineapple.

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    1. It needs to be lifted up with a small crane.

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  10. Such beauty coming from your hands I wonder about how the same person can sometimes be so angry.X

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    1. Stone carving is a never ending series of violent battles fought in the sure knowledge that you will never win the war. In my eyes (and H.I.'s) that pineapple is ugly. I will be glad to see the back of it.

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    2. Taken in parts it has beauty, as a whole not so much but that doesn't take that away together with the view I have of you working on it.

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    3. Hmm. You never get angry, do you?

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    4. Yes, I get angry too. Less so than I used to.

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  11. Well, Tom, "Desiderata" advises us to "Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth"

    You need to find a strong and reliable youngish man to assist you. In times gone by you would have had an apprentice.

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    1. Desiderata was written by a 1960s American hippie.

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    2. I know, but it still contains good advice

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    3. That's the most irritating thing about it.

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  12. The pineapple looks beautiful. I was only wondering yesterday how it was coming along!

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  13. Amazing …… and it’s not finished yet …. You are such a clever old thing !!! ( I’d praise you even more but it’s not easy, typing with my left hand ! ) XXXX

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    1. How did you break your arm Jack@?

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    2. You have carved what was wanted and it is perfect in shape. So take pleasure in a job well done.

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    3. I was trying to save two bumble bees in the conservatory and fell straight onto my elbow …. And dislocated it so forearm was facing the opposite direction … had to put it back myself 😱 Had four hour surgery … arm has now got pins, screws and plates !!!! I am SO cross with myself ! XXXX

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    4. That sounds so painful. Poor you! I bet the bees didn't send a get well card either.

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  14. I can't begin to think of the skill and talent it must take to carve that - clearly, an under appreciated craft.

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    1. Not really, it's just that it is very time-consuming and consequently relatively expensive to carry out. If you go round country houses and glance at all the intricate ornamentation, it can be difficult to imagine the outlay in terms of either money or man-hours unless you paid for it.

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  15. Hallo Tom - your description of the telephone call from 17th century made me understand why those "pineapples" look beautiful but strange - I am not sure whether I recognised them as pineapples before.
    Yes, prices and the times waiting for service rock sky-high - myself being on the 'small' move to Bavaria can join into that song.
    I went pale when I got the calculation for making a flie-protection for the balcony door - now I wait that my shock will settle - then I will decide if it is really necessary (and as they can not come before end of August - earliest! maybe!- so I have time.

    I love that pineapple!

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    1. To have a fly-screen or not. It would be a waste in one way, as flies are quite rare in the winter months. How much does a fly-screen cost in Bavaria?

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    2. For the balcony-door and a tiny window in the bedroom she wants 780 Euro - I think that I will check out whether there are many mosquitos AND, also very important: if it takes away too much light (she said about 20%) and even more important: disturbs the extremely beautiful view, the best item of that little flat. (To save that I would endure a few stings, I think).

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