Horse-fly swatter. 2013.
Every year I make one of these, but this year it hasn't been used so much, because I have been working inside most of the time. The only good thing about horse-flies is that they don't follow you over the threshold of a door.
You know those medieval depictions of Hell where sinners are being tormented by black flying insects? Those are definitely horse-flies. I find myself wondering what impact the complete eradication of them would have on the eco-system, but am sobered up by the realisation that the complete eradication of humans would probably do the ecosphere more good.
For a creature which sucks blood, a horse-fly is very indiscreet. The bite itself is extremely painful and the itching which begins a day later lasts for over a week and is three times worse than any mosquito's. At least camel-spiders (now those really are creatures from Hell) have the decency to anaesthetise you before gobbling great chunks out of your sleeping face.
Once a horse-fly has locked onto you, the only remedy is to run far away or kill it. They will never leave you alone and are very adept at getting out of the way of a swatter.
Every year, I find myself out in the field without my swatter, being pursued by a horse-fly. When you find yourself out in the open and unarmed like this, the best technique is to stand perfectly still and wait for the thing to settle on some part of your clothing, then smack it as quickly and as hard as you can.
Yesterday, I was in just such a situation, and the horse-fly settled on the crotch of my trousers. Without thinking, I punched myself in the testicles as hard as I could. From a distance, this must have looked like the act of a madman, as I staggered around in self-inflicted pain.
What with poking yourself in the eye and now punching yourself in the maracas, your not doing too well !! I watched a program the other night about a man with 10 stone testicles ........ I wonder if it's more painful when they are that big !! XXXX
ReplyDelete10, stone testicles, or ten-stone testicles? I thought Buster Gonad was dead.
DeleteMy story is true ........ he had to wear a hoody on his lower half ..... he had his legs in the arms and the hood over his testicles. He had an operation and was a new man.
DeleteI watch all of the best programmes !!!! You can google it ..... there are loads of images. XXXX
If it is true, then I am not sure I want to see the pictures. H.I. weighs under 10 stone. Are you saying that he had the equivalent of two H.I.s hanging from his lower abdomen? Do you know what a stone is? (112 lbs, or 50 kilos).
DeleteI sent you two photos of the man with 10 stone testicles to an email address that I had for you. But you might have changed that email as it was a while ago. XXXX
DeleteI got the testes, thank you Jack@. Oh and btw, I was a little confused last night - 112 lbs is one cwt. I think 14 lbs is one stone, but nobody seems to have spotted my mistake.
DeleteThey've just started to appear here, in fact I killed a few yesterday. Nasty buggers. I had a friend who was allergic, and once when he was bitten, his whole swelled like a football hiding all his features. It was quite dramatic.
ReplyDeletehis whole FACE swelled.... woops
DeleteIf they had bitten him on the testicles, then Jack@'s story might be true after all.
DeleteI wonder if by being bitten on his hole, that would have become heavier? A philosophical question. How much does nothing weigh?
DeleteDid you kill the damn thing or was your pain entirely wasted?
ReplyDeleteI don't know. I was too distracted to look for a corpse.
DeleteI say, Better the short term pain of a knock to the boys,than a week long itch.
ReplyDeleteIn my case, it has been a 60 year itch with the boys. They are evil, and need to be punished.
DeleteDid you know that only the females of the species are the bloodsuckers, while the male drink nectar? I leave it to you to complement this. In Germany they are called "Bremse" - awful things, no Buddhistic pacifism there with me, I hit them - and I thought the word derived of "brake" and wondered, because they make me run. But it comes from Old High German "breman", meaning buzzing.
ReplyDeleteBremen Airport is buzzing too. Now I know why.
DeleteWhat amazes me is the phrase 'make one of these every year' as though it were a feat of engineering rather than a rolled up newspaper Tom. I don't think we get them up here - I have never to my knowledge seen one. (Having said that I shall probably get bitten by one now. If there is a biting insect within a mile of me it tends to come in my direction.)
ReplyDeleteHey now! He used a zip-tie!
DeleteThank you Iris. Trust a German to spot the engineering.
DeleteFahrvergnuegen.
DeleteNow I wish I hadn't abused my translator.
DeleteHow the hell do you pronounce THAT?
DeleteI think I can pronounce it, I just don't know what it means.
DeleteSorry for the overall confusion. It literally means 'the pleasure of driving' and has been used without translation by VW in their ads here in the States. It has become kind of a funny term for anything related to German engineering or to poke fun at the German language in general.
DeleteTry saying Gewuerzguerkchen!
That's cruel, but not as cruel as when I asked my Japanese friend to say the word 'Corollary'.
DeleteI can't believe I've read a whole post about a fucking fly.
ReplyDeleteThe whole post was about my fucking balls.
DeleteActually, having said that, I am now wondering if that makes it any more justifiable. Twice as justifiable?
DeleteGranted :)
DeleteIs it ok that I laughed? Or should I just apologize will barely being able to contain myself?
ReplyDeleteSorry, can't stop visualizing how that must have looked to a passerby.
The only reason I told this undignified story was to make you laugh, Kelly.
DeleteOh god .... More old man flirting
DeleteWash your mouth out. I was trying to make you laugh too. 'You' means all of you, as far as I am concerned.
DeleteI did not get to read this until, I believe, 1:30 GMT. The post was a chuckle, the comments a howl.
ReplyDeleteIf I say that I was actually trying to make you laugh with it, John will accuse me of trying to arrange some sort of long-distance affair with you. Oh, and ignore my clock (CLOCK) - I have never bothered to set it.
DeleteFlirting is flirting
ReplyDeleteAnd flouncing is flouncing.
Delete