I normally don't like putting up self-portraits, but since in this one I am almost unrecognisable to anyone who has never met me, I think it is probably ok.
The trouble began when I had to supply four identical photos of myself for a rather important official document, and I only had two available. The subsequent scanning, editing and printing on a non-professional machine produced this composite of a cinematic Wild West villain by Andy Warhol, and Marge Simpson. The blurring was caused by snapping the results on my phone camera. I promise you that I have not had a blue-rinse since you last heard from me, neither have I grown a dark moustache.
Why go to all this trouble when I could just duck into the same booth at which I took the original pictures? Because one of the two that exist has been signed on the back by a solicitor friend to guarantee that it really is me.
Why not go back to the solicitor friend for him to sign one of the new set? Because he is a very busy man who can only be met at weekends and I am running out of time before the authorities begin the process of prosecuting me for the illegal possession of firearms.
Every five years, I realise how few upstanding members of society I actually know - precisely one, as it turns out. Everyone else - in the eyes of the police - are on the fringes of the criminal underworld, and not fit to verify my existence. Actually, thinking about it, they have a point.
My solicitor friend does not drink, does not smoke, does not take any drugs at all and is gay. He is - without doubt - the most immaculate person I have ever met in my life, and by that I mean sartorially immaculate. What he does in private is his concern, but since he talks faster and longer than anyone else I have ever met in my life (my god he can talk) it becomes mine as well - every five years.
He is just under 50 years old and looks about 30. His black hair is never out of place, there isn't a line on his face and he looks as though he shaves twice a day. His clothes are always spotlessly clean and not a speck of dirt is ever to be seen under his fingernails. In short, he is the antithesis of me, even in the un-doctored and recognisable photo.
Getting his signature on the back of a photo involves meeting him for a prolonged weekend breakfast, then catching up on the news for the last five years in minute detail. Towards the end of this chat I am familiar with all sorts of legal niceties involving specific cases, even though my knowledge of legal matters is about as comprehensive as Bart Simpson's. I am not saying that I don't enjoy our meetings - I really do - but they are bloody time-consuming because he does not live too close to town and does not frequent pubs, we only have the chance to catch up every five years.
I am going to give this photo-editing thing one last shot (no frightening pun intended) then probably give him another call after I have gone to another photo-booth. When we last parted, he said we should meet up more often, but I don't think he knew how soon.
My previous partner was like your friend tom
ReplyDeleteI heard recently that he had had that much Botox he now looks like joan rivers
I am like you.... Faces like unmade beds
My friend would - I think - never resort to botox, and I don't think he would ever need to, if anyone ever does. I think he has a picture in the attic which is beginning to look like me.
DeleteIf I had hair, I might go for that blue. Nah; only kiddin'.
ReplyDeleteBluebeard
DeleteThe blue is good. I like it
ReplyDeleteWILMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DeleteI like your book cover, btw...
Would have recognized you at once, Tom - no way to sit on an Russian airport corridor incognito. (But I have an almost eidetic memory, so don't despair). Lawyers and barristers are trained to look like your acquaintance - I'd never believed that I would quarrel with the apple of my eye, my 'Sun', about hair - but we did. "Too immaculate!" I cried " what have you done?" "Brylcreme" replied the coming barrister. Oh.
ReplyDeleteALIDDLEDABLEDOOYUP?
DeleteAs the Imperial War Museum starts its exhibition on spys and deciphering only in August, I have to work it out on my own - might be an advertisement for Hairgel, saying something like "A little dab will do you up"? Or is it Chinese? Or have you been to Glastonbury?
DeleteAmazing - you guessed right. It was the TV musical slogan for Brylcreem in the 1950s-60s.
DeleteVery becoming for a man of your age !
ReplyDeleteShame to hide it under a hat.
DeleteI think that the blue hair is a nice homage to Mrs. Slocombe.
ReplyDeleteJohn might agree with that.
DeleteI would rather not see your pussy
DeleteTom not being much of a TV watcher, I was wondering if I would have to explain to him who Mrs. Slocombe is - the one with the ... eh .... cat.
DeleteEven if I had not ever heard of her, I have been reminded of Mrs Slocombe's cat so many times by John, that I feel I have virtually stroked it.
DeleteI will never understand how the farmer got either a passport or a gun licence when I see the photographs - he looks like an escaped convict. (although when I think about it, I am not sure what one of those looks like).
ReplyDeleteYou will know what one looks like when they refuse my licence and try to re-arrest me. here is the photo in advance.
DeleteHere, we need but two photos, which one can get cheaply enough at a drugstore and have a copy made. Then, photos in had, $35, and completed form, one goes to the police station and presents everything. That's just if one wants to carry concealed. Otherwise, one just straps a holster on and calls it good.
ReplyDeleteWe aren't allowed to carry any hand-gun, let alone a concealed one, Megan. I may get shot even for owning a few shotguns. I did once (briefly) walk around with a .38 pistol in a shoulder holster, but that was when it was legal to do so here.
DeleteYou certainly do not look like yourself, and that is not a good thing, even for a gun permit. That man would own a blunderbuss.
ReplyDeleteI have actually fired a blunderbuss, Joanne, but I was not driving a Royal Mail coach at the time. Anyway, how do you know what I look like?
DeleteYou posted a link to yourself once, in your sartorial best, as seen on some street in Britain.
DeleteOoooo, nice hairdo duckie!x
ReplyDeleteYou're asking for the apple to be shot off your head. As already admitted, I'm a bad shot...
Delete