All God's creatures have arseholes

I have a little job on the go which involves cleaning spider-shit off a white marble bust of a Roman Emperor. No, I didn't believe it either.

I installed the bust in a niche under an alcove a few years ago, so it is quite well sheltered from the weather, making an ideal place for spiders. They live in the locks of his curly hair.

The people on the estate showed me the bust and the thick, black, little clusters of stuff which had actually stained the marble quite deeply, even going through the seal I had applied when I installed it in the niche. I said that it must have been caused by some sort of insect, and they said, "Yes. Spiders".

I did not believe them, so I Googled up the subject on the net. I began by typing spider shit into the search, and was immediately asked if I meant spider poo. The American sites asked me if I meant spider poop. No, actually, I meant shit.

Within 0.98679 of a second, I had the accumulated wisdom of the entire world on the subject of spider shit right there in front of me, and dozens of photos (like the one above) of the same black spots as are on my marble bust. Instant confirmation.

One treatise began thus: Spiders excrete their waste through the spider anus. Well hoodah thought it?

It seems that the people who suffer spider shit more than most are sailors. At the beginning of every season, yacht owners spend hours and days frigging in the rigging and cleaning-off a whole Winter's worth of spider crap from acres of white sails. There is even a product specifically made just for that purpose, but it has a very unimaginative name. So unimaginative that I have forgotten it. They could have called it 'Arachnopoopbegone', or something similar. Perhaps you could come up with something more catchy.

All this reminds me of a book I once was given for Christmas called, 'Do Ants Have Arseholes?'