The long arm of the law

I recently reported an attempted break-in at my workshop to the police. I almost didn't bother, but this was the second time in about six months and I wanted a crime reference number.

The woman at the call centre was trying hard to categorise the crime - was it attempted burglary, burglary or theft? I said that since they had left behind not only all the lead they stripped but a large pair of bolt cutters (thanks - I needed them) I would call it attempted with criminal damage.

I had forgotten that I had a tea mug hanging on the hook out side which they stole. It was printed with a photo of about six naked women - the sort of mug that would get me fired from a lifeboat crew.

The police woman asked me to go round the area knocking on people's doors to ask if they had seen or heard anything on the night of the crime, then report back to her with any evidence collected. I thought that was their job. She said it was highly unlikely that any fingerprints would be left on the bolt cutters, so they would not be paying me a visit. How did she know that?

Then yesterday I received a letter from the police victim's support office which included a leaflet explaining the various stages the investigation could go through before a successful prosecution of the perpetrator/s. The leaflet is written for the lowest common denominator, so each section has a little illustration representing the stages of the judicial process. Here we have a courtroom complete with judge. Here you are giving evidence or just sitting on a park bench in deep depression.

All of the people in the pictures are in silhouette and the final one is of the criminal being led away in handcuffs by a large copper. The convict appears to be a black man. Even if he is not supposed to be a black man, no effort has been made to represent him as being of no racial background in particular, so it must be deliberate.

The last section of the leaflet deals with restorative justice. I will be invited to meet the felon face to face so that we can all 'find a way forward' from this sorry state of affairs.

Anyway, I need not worry about any of this as I am sure none of it will ever come to pass. I will just spend a few hundred pounds repairing the workshop and wait for the next time.

Oh and I almost forgot to say: I had a separate letter from another constabulary on the same day informing me that my shotgun certificate is due to expire and I will be committing a crime if I keep shotguns without renewing it. I have not had any shotguns for several years now, neither have I had a licence for any.