Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Thursday, 30 June 2016
Look upon my works, ye mighty...
I do some strange things to make money. Right now, I am making a new building look as though it was built 200 years ago and sourcing a rock which looks as though it was made 150 million years ago, but - in fact - is so young that you quite often find discarded modern drinks cans deep in the middle of it.
Also on the agenda is some replacement carving to the most intricate and delicately carved bit of marble that I have ever come across outside of ancient Rome, but when it is finished (I have been working on it for over a year) it will be hidden under a much plainer piece and will only be visible if you get on your knees in the virtual dark - something the owner may do just the once.
I sometimes dream of being a set carpenter for films such as the Harry Potters, where the sort of things which take me about a year to complete are knocked up with polystyrene and plaster in about two days, but that would mean working too hard - or at least too fast.
The final scene in the last Potter movie was the total destruction (by fire and explosion) of their most complicated set, as a Harry Potter look-alike stuntman ran through the mayhem trying not to get blown up, set fire to or crushed by falling scenery.
Standing around, out of shot, are the set carpenters (and a load of uniformed fire-fighters) watching their work go up in smoke. They seem remarkably sanguine about it, and the oldest had a retirement party immediately afterwards. This was his last set, ever - now imortalised in the film, if not set in stone. I didn't know whether to feel sorry for him or be envious.