Monday, 22 September 2014

Bumf


H.I. was in our local supermarket the other day, and bought two packets of bog-roll (ok, what do you want me to call them? Lavatory paper? Toilet roll? Bathroom tissue?) for the price of one - an offer which could not be ignored or turned down.

I was idly urinating (if that is possible) a couple of days ago, and my eyes strayed over the wrapper, focussing on the advertising blurb printed in bright colours on the side.

The paper was made by 'Andrex' - the most famous and over-priced bog-roll manufacturer in the UK. This company is also famous for inappropriate imagery in its advertising, and for 40 years has been running a TV campaign which depicts a Labrador puppy cavorting around on fitted carpet with rolls of Andrex paper, unrolling them and towing the twenty foot lengths all over the room in an endearing sort of way. I don't think I would find this sort of encouraged behaviour in a puppy very endearing, but maybe John would - at least it might help to clear up the mess.

The main slogan on this particular wrapper is, "I feel as clean as a shiny diamond!"

A 'shiny diamond'?! I have heard all sorts of euphemistic descriptions for the human fundament, but never one as utterly inappropriate as this.

Over the years, one of my favourites has been 'rusty sheriff's badge' - at least that conjures-up a fairly accurate visual image of most people's exhaust systems, as does the one which uses 'starfish' as one of the words.

Andrex go on to say that the things that children come up with can be very funny, implying that this 'shiny diamond' thing was coined by a child, and not a bored advertising executive sitting in a spartan office.

My experience of children is that they are refreshingly open and direct about these sort of things, and I would guess that not many of them have ever been fortunate enough to handle diamonds, shiny or otherwise.

I have heard of kids that have swallowed diamonds though, and have been forced to sit around for a few hours before returning them to their distraught mothers.

I have a friend who, years ago, became engaged to be married and was given a nice, shiny, diamond ring by her betrothed as a token.

She was sitting on the toilet one day, and as she used whatever brand of paper it was, the ring fell off and landed in the great pile of poo, sitting on top and sparkling provocatively up at her until she was forced to fish it out again. When she told me this story, she was helpless with laughter - it just seemed to sum up the whole situation perfectly, especially as the marriage didn't last.

I'm sorry to touch on this subject at breakfast time, but I was preoccupied with building Stonehenge yesterday, and I have to go out to work today and put the theory into practice.

25 comments:

  1. It gets worse Tom …… as you don't watch tele you won't have seen the two adverts asking kids how clean they feel after using Andrex and where the ' diamond ' analogy comes from.. Here's what they say :
    ' as clean as a washed potato ', ' as clean as a ladybird ', ' as clean as sparkles ' { you know that they all say ' as clean as so I won't put that bit anymore !! } ' a carrot ', ' raindrops ', as a rubber ducky ', ' fairydust ', ' crocodile ', and my favourite { NOT } two, ' as clean as extreme, sparkling, shiny stars ' and ' as clean as goldpants ' !!!!!!!
    What I'd like to know is, how much do the people who make these adverts get paid ?!!!!! XXXX

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    1. I am SO pleased I do not watch commercial TV, Jack@.

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  3. I have just had a soak in the bath
    And so I can assure you that my arsehole is as fragrant as ( what the bath foam bottle states) a jasmin sunrise

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    1. I dint think we're talking about fragrance here John.

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    2. An we're not doing any testing either - I've heard of your joke-shop, jack-in-the-box arse.

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  4. Bog roll in this house. Am feeling slightly queasy at the idea of John's Jasmine flavoured arse. Google is prescribing a red wavy line for an arse which might prove painful.

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    1. It gets worse - now Em's talking of taste-testing. We are entering rimming territory now.

      That's not Google, it's your own spell-checker. Self-medicate?

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  5. There are only two places where our Lab' is forbidden; the pool and the bog.

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    1. How about three? (Almost made a bad 'labs' joke then).

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  6. I read that 'shiny diamond' thing too Tom and thought it was just about the most stupid advertising slogan I had heard. Time they called a spade a spade methinks.

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    1. Yes - what's wrong with good old 'arse-wipe'?

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  7. Personally I find Izal perfect for my bottom which is usually like sandpaper anyway and Izal has so many other uses like cleaning the oven etc.

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    1. You have an arse like sandpaper? An arse which responds well to Izal? In Norfolk? Can you buy Andrex in Norfolk?

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    2. You made hard work of that. We use leaves, I find dock leaves are especially cooling after a curry.

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    3. I'm surprised you don't cut out the middle-man and go straight for the nettles.

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    4. Ps never have a dump near chickens
      They are overly inquisitive

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    5. Or pigs. They are overly unfussy about what they eat.

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  8. I'm having such fun with these comments - sometimes you excel yourselves.

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    Replies
    1. And no sign of Hello Vera anywhere.

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    2. Jasmine Sunrise - and not the homeopathic version. Homeosympathic, maybe.

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  9. Cue Beavis and Butt-Head:

    "T.P. FOR OUR BUNGHOLE! HE.HEHE.HEHE.HE."

    Okay, maybe you had to be an American teenager in the early 90's to think of that.

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  10. 'Bung hole' makes me think of the reverse direction...

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