Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Monday, 22 September 2014
H.I. was in our local supermarket the other day, and bought two packets of bog-roll (ok, what do you want me to call them? Lavatory paper? Toilet roll? Bathroom tissue?) for the price of one - an offer which could not be ignored or turned down.
I was idly urinating (if that is possible) a couple of days ago, and my eyes strayed over the wrapper, focussing on the advertising blurb printed in bright colours on the side.
The paper was made by 'Andrex' - the most famous and over-priced bog-roll manufacturer in the UK. This company is also famous for inappropriate imagery in its advertising, and for 40 years has been running a TV campaign which depicts a Labrador puppy cavorting around on fitted carpet with rolls of Andrex paper, unrolling them and towing the twenty foot lengths all over the room in an endearing sort of way. I don't think I would find this sort of encouraged behaviour in a puppy very endearing, but maybe John would - at least it might help to clear up the mess.
The main slogan on this particular wrapper is, "I feel as clean as a shiny diamond!"
A 'shiny diamond'?! I have heard all sorts of euphemistic descriptions for the human fundament, but never one as utterly inappropriate as this.
Over the years, one of my favourites has been 'rusty sheriff's badge' - at least that conjures-up a fairly accurate visual image of most people's exhaust systems, as does the one which uses 'starfish' as one of the words.
Andrex go on to say that the things that children come up with can be very funny, implying that this 'shiny diamond' thing was coined by a child, and not a bored advertising executive sitting in a spartan office.
My experience of children is that they are refreshingly open and direct about these sort of things, and I would guess that not many of them have ever been fortunate enough to handle diamonds, shiny or otherwise.
I have heard of kids that have swallowed diamonds though, and have been forced to sit around for a few hours before returning them to their distraught mothers.
I have a friend who, years ago, became engaged to be married and was given a nice, shiny, diamond ring by her betrothed as a token.
She was sitting on the toilet one day, and as she used whatever brand of paper it was, the ring fell off and landed in the great pile of poo, sitting on top and sparkling provocatively up at her until she was forced to fish it out again. When she told me this story, she was helpless with laughter - it just seemed to sum up the whole situation perfectly, especially as the marriage didn't last.
I'm sorry to touch on this subject at breakfast time, but I was preoccupied with building Stonehenge yesterday, and I have to go out to work today and put the theory into practice.