Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Tuesday, 23 September 2014
What's your name?
The Boy's Girl, posing next to herself as cover-girl. If she hadn't told me it was her, I wouldn't have guessed.
Me and H.I. have been in a few magazines as well, but never on the cover. I had a four-page spread in Architectural Digest once, but maybe I have already told you about that...
I have been in a four-pager of Interiors magazine as well, but I had dark hair then, so you wouldn't recognise me. I have been on the radio a couple of times, and T.V. too.
Living in Bath, I featured as a bit of local colour for a travel program, and after it was aired - nationally - the check-out girls in Waitrose treated me with a little more respect and awe than they normally do, but it didn't last. None of them let me sleep with them whilst it did, either.
My friend in Germany was watching TV there one night, and the travel program that was on also featured Bath. There was a panoramic shot of my picturesque pub, and there I was, seated at one end of the bar as usual with a beer in front of me. I don't even remember being filmed.
Every New Year's Eve in Germany, they pause the TV festivities for a few moments to remember the less fortunate who have no homes or families to celebrate the incoming year with, and they usually run the camera across a crowded bar, full of drunk people who are having the time of their lives.
Each year, my German friend would be forced to stay at home with his parents, longing to join the folk in the bar who had no families to celebrate with. Same procedure as last year, Miss Sophie.
I happened to be in a bar in Florida, watching the very last episode of 'Dynasty' as it went out. When it finished, the anchorman wondered what we were all going to do without it.
"Here's what we are going to watch!" he said, and the screen cut to a friend of mine who had already been in a Bond film, dressed in a dinner jacket and explaining the plot behind a brand new series called, 'Riviera'. Blimey, I thought, he has finally made it after all these years - his own international soap.
Sadly, 'Riviera' crashed after three viewings, leaving all the actors and crew out of pocket with expensive flats to maintain in the South of France. You can still catch it in some countries, playing around three in the morning.
About a year ago, my actor friend hit an all-time low and found himself at the other end of a telephone at a call-centre. I ran into him in the supermarket, and he said that he had enough of this job already. "Somebody actually told me to 'fuck off' today. How rude can you get?"