Wednesday 19 December 2012

The Transit of Venus



This is what Venus is going to rest her arse on - a turned Portland stone base with a huge marble plinth. I can't say that I made either, but the whole ensemble was imagined by me, so I'm going to say it anyway.

Everything that I make for this place looks enormous in the workshop, but runs a high risk of looking like a pimple when it is in place, on site. The two pieces together weigh about a half a ton, but I know that when the arse of venus is atop, they will attain a lightness which belies their actual weight.

Part of the process of making and designing for places of this scale is knowing what scale to make them. The same goes for that 'bell' sign of a few posts ago - in the workshop it is frighteningly large, but hanging up there, it is just about the right size, I think.

Not many people have any reason to guess the weight of large bits of sculpture, but when you have to move a piece which may represent up to a couple of million quid's worth of irreplaceable art, it is a very good idea to have as accurate an estimate as possible.  Dropping something like that usually means bankruptcy for most people.

I once moved a 13th century, stone Madonna and Child from the niche it had been in for about 650 years. We called a London auction house to get an idea of what to insure it for, and they said they had no idea, but the sky - it seemed - was the limit, making it impossible to insure. On the drive back, I asked my mate what would happen if I were to drive the lorry into a ditch and destroy it. All he said was, "Don't". I didn't.

Another amazing but confusing fact is how often professional and specialist carriers manage to break things in their care, when all they are supposed to do is move them from A to B safely. I have had so much work from carriers who have knocked noses and fingers off, and are desperate to disguise the fact before their employers find out. Stone is a lot easier than white marble. White marble is next to impossible, because of it's translucency.

Anyway, 'How', I hear you ask, 'is he going to move seamlessly from boring the shit out of us with this post, to the usual entertaining filth that we have come to expect from the old sod?'

Oh all right then, here you are - H.I. doing a very passable impersonation of Michelangelo's David, using a pair of underpants bought (for a friend) at a waterside market in Venice:




18 comments:

  1. Was NOT expecting THAT when I scrolled down!!! Oh my, those are really awesome underpants. Still laughing..........

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  2. Those underpants made me literally laugh out loud...oh how I wish I could get a pair of those for my husband as a gag gift for Christmas! Thinking about the look that would be on his face when he opened them makes me laugh all over again!!

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  3. I didn't find your post boring, but the pants did make me laugh. They're great.

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  4. I hope we get the benefit of some photos when all is in situ ... It didn't all end as expected, though! Very unexpected, but I like it!

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  5. Interesting segue from Venus' arse to David's crotch.

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    1. Joanne - I was lying in bed awake well before dawn this morning (as I have been for a few weeks now) and wondering where you got your title, 'Cup On A Bus'?

      Please tell.

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    2. I'm so sorry; sleep is one of my favorites.

      The Cup on the Bus is a marginally long story, and it's posted in the tab at the top, "Inquiring Minds."

      It would have been of no use to David.

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  6. P.S. - I was going to take a look at my testicles to see if the left one does, indeed, hang lower than the right, but it is so cold and I am so scared about the future, that I will have to wait for Spring before I can check.

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  7. Are you sure that the friend could stomach it?
    Actually I love them and wish I could find a pair for the farmers stocking.

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    1. The friend was (and still is, amazingly) gay, so it was right up his proverbial street.

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  8. PPS - The room where that photo was taken was used by Casanova. Honest,

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  9. I really love that huge Stilton in the first picture.

    Those underpants are very funny but David's portions are a bit small and undeveloped, don't you think? Is that just Italians or maybe Michelangelo's penchant for the very younger male. OO-er.

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    1. There is a reason for childish genitals on classical figures - years ago I helped carve a classical figure of Apollo, and we had an Olympian athlete as a model. When we carved an ordinary sized penis onto the figure, it just looked grotesque, and your eye was immediately drawn to it. The nob was whittled away until it was unobtrusive and everyone could concentrate on the figure as a whole.

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    2. Thank you for this explanation - it's always puzzled me. Though of course I was mostly drawn to the artistic slendour of the whole figure.

      But I'm now wondering who's been whittling at Mr EM's thingy.

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  10. I had a picture accepted for the RA's Summer show, which they then dropped. It ended up with a 3 inch gash across the front, and I was paid £20 compensation. Bastards.

    Do the pants come in 'Jewish'?

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    1. I notice your Christmas tree comes in 'Jewish' this year.

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  11. Christies damaged my Daum chandelier...those responsible should be made to wear the underpants.

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