Sunday, 3 July 2011

I just met George W Bush

Das Boot

Yes, I really did. He runs a bar these days in Bremerhaven, and works seven days a week, selling alcohol to the locals.

This Dublya is a black Floridian, and looks slightly less like the ex Mr President than I do, but he runs a great bar and I spent a nice hour there the night before last - (or the last before that, I forget). His name really is George W Bush, and his bar is called 'George's Bar'.

The U-Boat is a nice relic which has been dragged up from the harbour floor and refurbished, and we visited the inside of that too. I have already been in one at Kiel, and I cannot decide which would be worse - being on a U-Boat in wartime, or being on a fishing boat in peacetime. Maybe being on a trawler in wartime?

I am bloody stressed out tonight, having confronted a couple of dodgy youths on our rear scaffold about 2 pm, telling them to fuck off, then being called by H.I. at around 6.30, saying that they were back again - this time right on our roof.

I left a full pint in the pub (unheard of) to run back (also unheard of) and find them clambering around upstairs, so I ordered H.I. to lock herself outside with a phone whilst I went round the back to wait for the police.

The cops arrived and I told them I had guns on the premises, then they went up and collared the two youths, questioned them and released them - not before I had called them 'twats' for coming back a second time. As they left, they promised to come back a third time by saying, "See you soon". I told them that if I saw them again, I would not bother to call the police until I had given them a good pasting, and this will remain my policy for the foreseeable future. Luckily they only know what I look like, and not H.I. I will remember their faces well.

Then - at about 10.00 pm tonight, H.I. heard someone on the scaffold again, so I told her to get next door and dial 999 as I turned the lights off and got a torch.

I found a guy up there on the scaffold and he ignored me as I blinded him with a torch. I politely asked him to wait for the police, which was enough to make him exit quickly. He had been an amateur photographer taking pictures of the fucking sunset, but I gave him a right bollocking as he clambered down. The much-maligned nesting gulls here on the roofs are a real asset in situations like this, because - like geese - they act as watch-dogs and set up a clamour if any human creeps onto the scaffold. God bless 'em.

I got back onto the phone to the cops, and told them that I was hyped-up waiting for a visit from the juveniles, and to call off their visit, please. She said 'no problem', then about 10 minutes later, a police helicopter hovered overhead, bathing me in infra-red from it's night-vision scope. They had obviously looked up my gun ownership records, plus I live next door to a jeweler's, with about 40 million quid's worth of stock.

I was planning on a relaxed evening after the hellish journey back yesterday, but now I am locking all the windows except mine, and if I see an arm or a leg coming through it tonight, I am going to break it with a sharp blow from a very good quality hammer, which sits beside me as I speak. I think those lads maybe stupid enough to come back again, and if they do, they will need hospital attention after I have dealt with them.

Sweet dreams.


  1. Good grief Tom. Now I am worried. I hope these yobs are all mouth and don;t dare come back. Please TAKE CARE.

  2. My God, Tom, what a horrible night. Why didn't the police arrest them for trespassing? Maybe you should get a pit bull for protection.

  3. A few Adorable and Compact Prison Cells could be the answer. Failing that, you could always wire-up the scaffolding to the mains.

  4. Where do you live again?
    " .....the "cops arrived"
    is it in bath?

    I am not surprised, given your advanced years, that you didn't mention these guys being apprehended by the FUZZ"

  5. PS
    ARNt you inviting trouble having the scaffolding up....seems to me to are asking the thieving bastards of bath to come a take what they can!
    after all, they are only doing what comes naturally to them!

  6. I think you've shown great restraint Tom as I'd have broken the bastard's legs and THEN phoned the police after pushing them off the roof...

    So much scum around these days.

  7. John, lol.

    All those glittering candlesticks will probably mean he'll be mobbed by magpies soon too.


  8. I should have mentioned that the only way onto the scaffold is to vault over a locked gate, then go down a narrow medieval lane (the only one left in Bath) to climb the scaffold from the outside.

    I have just spoken to the painters to tell them that they opened our bloody window when we were away, and they told me that they had an alarm, but it was continuously set off by the pigeons and gulls. The gulls are now the only alarm, and the trouble is that they will now wait until their fledglings have flown until they continue the work, which means that the scaffold will be up at least another 2 weeks.

    I restrained myself by not calling them 'the filth', John - betraying my East-End roots - and it wasn't me who commissioned the scaffold - we only got notice of it about 4 days in advance.

    That is my policy from this point on, Chris - if they come back a 3rd time!

  9. I suggest a bucket of boiling tar (or reused boiling chip fat is much more ecologically friendly).

  10. How awful for you Tom-I say bring back the birch-name shame and flog them !!

  11. Any chance you could wire up that scaffolding to the nearest live outlet?

  12. I will do the last that you suggest, Janet, should they return a 3rd time. Today I brought home a baton just for them.

    Boiling fat? sorry, not allowed.

    No, I can't do that, Dolores - I'm not allowed to shoot them either, though I know how to pepper them without loss of life. Shame.

  13. Too know my evil ways. How about I wait around the corner for the little rodents in a souped up Hummer?

  14. Now you're talking. You would get a £35 ticket for going through a restricted area, but well worth it.