I just met George W Bush

Das Boot

Yes, I really did. He runs a bar these days in Bremerhaven, and works seven days a week, selling alcohol to the locals.

This Dublya is a black Floridian, and looks slightly less like the ex Mr President than I do, but he runs a great bar and I spent a nice hour there the night before last - (or the last before that, I forget). His name really is George W Bush, and his bar is called 'George's Bar'.

The U-Boat is a nice relic which has been dragged up from the harbour floor and refurbished, and we visited the inside of that too. I have already been in one at Kiel, and I cannot decide which would be worse - being on a U-Boat in wartime, or being on a fishing boat in peacetime. Maybe being on a trawler in wartime?

I am bloody stressed out tonight, having confronted a couple of dodgy youths on our rear scaffold about 2 pm, telling them to fuck off, then being called by H.I. at around 6.30, saying that they were back again - this time right on our roof.

I left a full pint in the pub (unheard of) to run back (also unheard of) and find them clambering around upstairs, so I ordered H.I. to lock herself outside with a phone whilst I went round the back to wait for the police.

The cops arrived and I told them I had guns on the premises, then they went up and collared the two youths, questioned them and released them - not before I had called them 'twats' for coming back a second time. As they left, they promised to come back a third time by saying, "See you soon". I told them that if I saw them again, I would not bother to call the police until I had given them a good pasting, and this will remain my policy for the foreseeable future. Luckily they only know what I look like, and not H.I. I will remember their faces well.

Then - at about 10.00 pm tonight, H.I. heard someone on the scaffold again, so I told her to get next door and dial 999 as I turned the lights off and got a torch.

I found a guy up there on the scaffold and he ignored me as I blinded him with a torch. I politely asked him to wait for the police, which was enough to make him exit quickly. He had been an amateur photographer taking pictures of the fucking sunset, but I gave him a right bollocking as he clambered down. The much-maligned nesting gulls here on the roofs are a real asset in situations like this, because - like geese - they act as watch-dogs and set up a clamour if any human creeps onto the scaffold. God bless 'em.

I got back onto the phone to the cops, and told them that I was hyped-up waiting for a visit from the juveniles, and to call off their visit, please. She said 'no problem', then about 10 minutes later, a police helicopter hovered overhead, bathing me in infra-red from it's night-vision scope. They had obviously looked up my gun ownership records, plus I live next door to a jeweler's, with about 40 million quid's worth of stock.

I was planning on a relaxed evening after the hellish journey back yesterday, but now I am locking all the windows except mine, and if I see an arm or a leg coming through it tonight, I am going to break it with a sharp blow from a very good quality hammer, which sits beside me as I speak. I think those lads maybe stupid enough to come back again, and if they do, they will need hospital attention after I have dealt with them.

Sweet dreams.