I've just walked out of an old episode of Morrissey choosing his desert island discs, to come and see what you bloggers have to offer. Morrissey seems to love being trapped inside his own head, whereas most of us are desperately trying to escape from our own, or at least take little breaks from it. Sometimes I get so tired of having opinions.
We all have good days and bad days these days, and yesterday started uneasily for me, then got gradually worse until I went to bed. Today began with what I have decided was a good omen. I was woken up by the screeching of a Peregrine Falcon which had settled on the opposite roof with a fat pigeon in its talons. The gulls didn't like it much, but it made a good start to my day.
Britta has been saying how tired she is of 'mindfulness' and the lucrative industry which has built up around it over the last couple of years. I am with her all the way with that. One example of how mindless it has become was when I was trying to explain to The Boy a year or so ago how things were beginning to get on top of me and how I could not foresee any viable future ahead of me, no matter how hard I tried to cut through the fog.
His advice was that I should try harder to live in the moment, and my response to him was that it was living in the moment which had got me into this mess in the first place.
I had a couple of scary experiences a couple of weeks ago which made me worry about a different version of the future which I had not planned for.
The first was when I was in our local park, which has several different entrances and exits to choose from. It was time to leave and I looked at one exit which leads to steps up to the street, and it was if I had never been in that park before. I could not remember how I got in and I did not know which direction I was facing. It only lasted a moment, but it was worrying while it did last.
The next was when I was in the supermarket. I looked up from one of the shelves at the far end of an aisle toward the deli section. The counter for the deli looked a long way away - a bus ride - and it was if I was seeing this view for the very first time. The feeling passed very quickly and - thankfully - has not returned.
Given the choice between having the disease which condemns you to live every second of your life in the moment and not being cursed like that, I would rather spend the rest of mine making futile plans.
I plan over the summer to have enough firewood in the shed for the winter. I would like to have a plan of nice things but I can't see what else I can do but take each day as it comes.
ReplyDeleteYes, but the difference is that us humans have taken a bite of the forbidden fruit. Nothing is the same after that. We have choices which other animals cannot make.
DeleteI do not have a history of good, long term planning either so on balance it seems like I can't go much further wrong than by just making day to day decisions.
DeleteYour two scary experiences are like things that sometimes happen to me in dreams but not in real life. Scary indeed.
DeleteIt's not the first time. I used to take a lot of LSD, so I am sort of used to it. If it was just a result of past drug use, I would not be worried at all. I just remember stories from people who have parents who are hard to deal with.
DeleteYour second example was a bit like one of the effects that you get from taking LSD - everything that you look at seems to stretch endlessly.
ReplyDeleteOh, maybe I was having very delayed flashbacks.
DeleteHappier times perhaps?
DeleteDifferent, but I am not sure about happier.
DeleteYeah, the second experience of seeing the deli counter as if it were very far away did sound a bit like a flashback.
DeleteI recall at the age of 40 trying to cross Central Park on a dark and snowy winter night and being so turned around that I called a friend to sort of talk me out of the park. No LSD was used that day, let me tell you.
"Turn around. Do you see Trump Tower? Head for that..."
DeleteHaha.
DeleteHonestly, I would be frightened by these experiences too, Tom - but I would put it under: total existential stress (yours) at the moment.
ReplyDeleteI see all that stress among some friends, well justified, personal, economical, political. The lockdown - in my eyes - makes one also very lonely, so it happens that I look into the mirror, see myself (and know who I am - most philosophers would envy me that :-) - but feel detached. Then I tell me: “The very essence of romance is uncertainty” as dear old Oscar W. said - and stoically paint my eyes.
Very mindful, of course...
DeleteI feel lucky in that I feel less lonely now than I did before this business started, but I know how fortunate I am. There is nothing lonelier than being forced to live with someone you don't like.
ReplyDeleteBy which I mean that loneliness is not the same as being alone!
DeleteAbsolutely - I wrote a whole chapter about the difference between "Being Alone" and "Einsamkeit" in my new manuscript for a book (it is ready - but I still have to find a publisher - am already discussing it with one - wish me luck!)
DeleteHi, Britta. Quick question, if I may--
DeleteIn German would 'being alone' simply translate to 'allein sein'? Es wäre mir lieber absichtlich allein zu sein als einsam zu sein. Also regarding finding a publisher: ich drück' mir die Daumen für Sie!
Tom don't you think a lot of these 'odd feelings and experiences' that we are all having at the moment are the product of this lockdown. At first I didnt mind at all but now I want to be out there with people again and I begin to feel that if this doesn't happen soon then I shall have reached a point of no return.
ReplyDeleteYes, I think they are Weave. I am missing informal meetings as well. I don't think it will ever be the same in our lifetimes, but it will get better. There will be no pantomimes this year, so now I wish I had gone to more... maybe...
DeleteI think it's just called 'stir-crazy'...
ReplyDeleteThat's the negative side, but I think there are positives.
DeleteWould you actually wanted to have been that person, Tom? The man with the steady, often boring job, the same colleagues, the mortgage and insurance and endowment policies? The man who had to fit his holidays aroud the needs of the office, the man who 'fitted in'?
ReplyDeleteHe's probably sitting at home right now (in his comfortable retirement bungalow), wishing he'd not been so conformist, had taken a few chances, even risks, with his future. Perhaps he married a nice, reliable girl, as cautious as himself. Perhaps he wishes he'd had a bit more fun, had lived for the moment a bit more? Just perhaps!
missed out a 'have'
ReplyDeleteI like to think that is possible, until a man goes past me driving a £200,000 Ferrari when I am on my way to a freezing workshop to hit a lump of stone.
DeleteI had an experience like that when I walked back and forth twice betweem two car parks unable to remember where I'd left the car. It was twenty years ago.
ReplyDelete20 years ago I did the same, but I drank more then.
DeleteI was not born with a great sense of direction, and when I am tired or in a moment of stress, it's easy for me to lose my way. I'm sure as some sort of protection, I end up getting an imprint of the place, so when i get lost the next time, it at least looks familiar and i find my way out. I've not had this in places i know well, although in places I'm getting to know, it does happen.
ReplyDeleteThe second situation you describe happened to me a lot more when I was recovering from a broken leg. I simply did not have the energy requirements to walk long aisles looking for things. Over time, as i needed less energy for healing, the distance seemed to grow shorter.
With this distancing season in which we find ourselves, many shops here have made aisles one way. I am able to do the serpentine thing if need be, but i am seeing a number of other patrons who find it a real hardship.
You've given me an idea - why not turn supermarkets into complex mazes? If you find yourself at the centre and can't get out, you let off a flare.
DeleteOh wait, IKEA have already done that years ago.
DeleteIt sounds like stress..I had something like that, only complete amnesia...very scary..Total Global Amnesia they called it. Three days in hospital and all sorts of tests. At least I came out the other end, walked away from the stress, walked into a better life with an NHS "MOT" in my hand.
ReplyDeleteBut still, not something I would wish on any one
I blame my episodes on the irrational expansion of the Waitrose outlet in our town.
DeleteTom, do I have to start worrying about you?
ReplyDeleteI don't think so. I'm not worrying about myself, but thanks for asking.
Delete