Best before

I came downstairs yesterday to find that H.I. had somehow managed to tip the entire contents of the coffee filter all over herself, the floor, the recycling and (I really don't know how she did this) all over the collection of jams, marmalade, mustard etc. on the bottom shelf of the UDB storage facility.

What, I imagine you ask, is a UDB storage facility? I expect you have heard of a UDB water-heater, but did you know what 'UDB' stands for? No, neither did I until I asked a plumber if he could replace my broken immersion water heater, about 35 years ago.

He asked if it was wall-mounted or UDB, and I said I would answer if he could tell me what 'UDB' stood for. He said that water-heaters which were set on the floor were called UDBs, because - and this is the official terminology - they were the Under Draining Board sort.

So, our UDB storage facility is the shelf directly under the draining board in our compact but adorable city apartment, on which we keep condiments and stuff for want of adequate cupboard space.

I took one look at the mess and went back to bed to nurse my latest lockdown hangover, which was caused by trying to cut down trips to the supermarket by buying wine in bulk. I find that after the second bottle has been opened, opening a third for a nightcap seems like a really good idea.

An hour or so later I came back down to find that she was in the process of clearing everything off the deep shelf and washing about 25 years-worth of dust and cobwebs from the items which had been pushed to the back during that time. I reluctantly got involved and we spent the rest of the day washing and/or discarding all the items, some of which she and her ex had brought with them to the flat almost 50 years past.

About 25 years ago H.I. sometimes cooked. She had two signature dishes - one was baked cod in a tahini and lemon juice sauce, and the other was a Moroccan thing involving a whole boiled chicken with loads of coriander leaves and preserved lemons.

One day I went out and bought about 3 pounds of unwaxed lemons. I cut the sides to release the juice, put them in a huge sealed jar, then covered them to the top with a brine made from sea salt.  I placed them right at the back of our UDB storage facility and forgot about them for 25 years. I should say that this last bit of the story should not be used as a recipe.

Yesterday I opened the jar for the first time. They smelt delicious but had turned the colour that most armies paint their tanks, so they went into the bin along with the rest of 20+ year-old spices.

I once did the same with some pickled herrings, but having turned into an undrinkable liquid in only 2 weeks, they went down the toilet. I wished them bon voyage and sent them back to the sea.