Wednesday 15 August 2018

My nest egg


Spending a month working in a container at my client's estate this Summer gave me a brilliant idea for extra income during my old age.

I have bought a shabby patch of land in the beautiful Perigord area of South West France and have just taken delivery of seven rather unprepossessing ex-shipping containers (I think it is seven, but I wasn't there to count) which I intend to rent out as holiday accommodation.

A scheme like this would be impossible in red-tape Britain, but almost anywhere in France, if you bung the Mayor a few euros you can do what you like.

I have also nominally agreed to half-bury the things in the ground, then clad the exposed metal with wooden panels, but a few more euros in the right direction should see that silly compromise forgotten about by the time they are ready for occupation. By 'ready for occupation' I mean chucking in a few IKEA bunk beds and a couple of chairs.

By leaving them just as they are, I will be able to truthfully boast in the brochure that you have the best views in the area from them, as once inside looking out, you will be the only people in the village who cannot see them - that's if I get around to cutting a few holes in the sides as windows.

With its abundance of good restaurants, charming medieval villages, prehistoric caves and quaint houses in the local vernacular, the area has an undeniable rustic charm. I will contribute to local life by giving my little patch an undeniable rusty charm.

Most British ex-pats who buy second homes in rural France are often accused of sanitising their surroundings by meticulously maintaining their properties when painting the shutters every year, planting flowering climbers around their doors and windows, clearing away abandoned cars from their back yards, etc. etc. but they will not be able to accuse me of any of that nonsense. My holiday village will fit in perfectly with the ethos of true rural France.

Once the containers are arranged in a perfectly straight line, I will install a children's play area using huge, garishly-coloured, plastic slides and swings, etc. in the front. In season, I may have a large bouncy castle as well, depending on insurance costs.

It will be possible to continue outdoor activities right through the night, as I will be fitting powerful tungsten-halogen lights to high poles around the site. There will also be weather-proof public-address speakers attached to these poles for the playing of popular music.

During the Winter I will offer the whole site to travellers at highly attractive off-season discounted rates, so will have an income 365 days of the year.

I now have something to look forward to in my retirement.

22 comments:

  1. What would also fit in very well, would be one of those above ground pools (the one's that last for three years, max), a dog sitting service, and outdoor speakers for requests. All very tasteful, and very Francais.

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  2. Cool. I gather there's some really nice people down that way. Oh, there's one of them now. I think they all like dogs so could probably recommend somewhere to get alsation/wolf cross guard dogs for you for your the site security.

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    1. One large German Shepherd on a permanent chain ought to do it. I will call it 'Sheba' if it is female, and 'King' if male.

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  3. I think that you are jesting (because you couldn't be bothered really). Stick with your own container!

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  4. Ha-ha, this is quite funny.

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  5. Love it !! Don't forget the outdoor, hole in the ground toilets !

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  6. How dare you ever mention retiring. You are required to keep on working and paying your dues in order to pay the pensions that we ex pats need to keep maintain our living standards. Retirement indeed !

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  7. Are you intending to give Cro a breakdown?

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    1. Tom is right about Brighton, a total cess pit. Unfortunately my daughter rents off an expat landlord.... and my husband has to work there.
      Stepping over human excremant?
      Constantly being harrassed by junkies.
      It's really no a nice place any more.
      BTW the rent she has to pay is on a par with London :(

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    2. PS I'll go 50:50 on the containers :)

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    3. It very much depends where you live in Brighton; there are some areas that I've never visited; and never will.

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    4. ... but might have to by next Summer ...

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  8. Give the bouncy house a pass, ok?

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  9. I definitely think this has promise, Tom. Just add the trench loos and give a discount if holiday makers will clear them out for you. Nothing fancy, perhaps a free coffee and bun?

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    1. No need I have a deal with a local farmer to spread the latrine contents on the surrounding fields.

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