A friend of mine underwent a 'routine' rectal examination by endoscope yesterday and was able to watch the whole thing live on a nearby TV monitor.
He was worried about the 'procedure' for a a couple of weeks before the event, and tried to think of ways to take his mind off the ghastly reality. I suggested giving himself some amusement as a distraction by leaving some sort of object up there which would inevitably be found by the nurse with the camera, then looking at her face when the thing appears on the screen. A small doll for instance, or a little battery-powered LED light - the light at the end of the tunnel.
We decided that she had probably seen much more bizarre objects in similar places when working in A & E, so dropped the idea.
When the time came, the procedure was much more painful than he expected, and he regretted not taking the pre-op pain-killers that were offered to him. He said that although he had never tried sticking an Olympus 35mm camera up his fundament, that was what he was reminded of.
After it was all over, the inevitable forms were filled out and questions asked. When she asked him what his alcohol consumption for the average week was in units, he asked what a unit represented. After some mental calculations he gave her the answer - in gallons.
He asked if he could have a copy of the video to take home and show his grandchildren and the nurse said that this was against hospital regulations.
"Why?" he protested, "It's my arse!"
I would call that video 'intellectual property'.
ReplyDeleteWTF??? WHY on EARTH didn't they knock him out for a colonoscopy??! My husband has had several (as a cancer survivor they make him have all sorts of tests on a regular basis) and the option to be awake has never even been mentioned. He would have told them where to go if they had!
ReplyDeleteThat question aside, you made me laugh so hard! "Ghastly reality" and the thought of a nurse seeing a tiny doll or a light up there made me laugh right out loud over my coffee! :)
He declined anaesthetic.
DeleteThe moral of the story: always accept painkillers. -Jenn
ReplyDeleteEspecially if they are free.
DeleteThe moral of the story for me, if I needed one, is don't go near doctors.
ReplyDeleteI haven't been that near to one for over 40 years.
DeleteI am amazed you haven't been to a doctor in 40 years. They should test your genes and use them for research. I have to go to the doctor every three months. And, the worst part about it is I have to get weighed. I hate that part.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't mind if they just weighed me.
DeleteWhen I had my colonoscopy last Fall I eagerly looked forward to the twilight state of being under the influence of the anesthetic. It's the same stuff that got Michael Jackson hooked, and once you've tried it, you can see why. The relaxation is so complete, so total -- it's like getting 8 hours of sleep in 30 minutes.
ReplyDeleteAfter the procedure, when I was fully conscious in the recovery room, my doctor stopped by to tell me that when they were wheeling me out of the OR, while I was still mostly "under", I had sat straight up in the gurney and shouted: "That was GREAT!"
You make me laugh almost every time I stop by. Today, I'm loving "fundament". What a great word, and you use it so well.
'Fundament' fell out of favour as a word sometime in the 18th century. I love it. That drug sounds too good to be safe in my hands.
DeletePlease Lord let me never have to have an Colonoscopy.
ReplyDeleteI love your ability to make even the most ghastly thing into an amusing post.
ReplyDeleteI had some very good material to work with.
Deletei had an endoscopy last year - i took all the painkillers available - was still bloody awful - not painful just bloody awful
ReplyDeleteI have no intention of ever having one. I will go undiagnosed for all sorts of potential illnesses.
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