Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Tuesday, 14 November 2017
To see yourself as others do
I think I might end up going all the way through life, never having grown a beard longer than about a quarter of an inch.
The thing is that my facial hair only really grows properly on my upper lip and chin, so the only beard I could grow would be a goatee. Have you noticed that elderly sexual perverts always end up growing white goatees?
I am not a hairy person. I have been out with women who are five times hairier than me. I like to explain it away by telling people that I evolved much earlier than most men, so my links to the kingdom of the apes are that much more distant.
A friend of mine has just grown a moustache. He looks exactly like someone's silly, fat uncle - which he probably is. I put on a false moustache once and everyone screamed with laughter, saying I looked exactly like the postman in a children's animated cartoon.
When I was about 40, the fashion was for 'designer stubble'. They even had electric razors to keep the growth just the right length. When you are over sixty and have stubble, it just looks like you have given up caring what people think.
Now, the fashion for young hipsters is a full beard. It is strange to see how it ages the wearer and gives them a gravitas which they may not deserve. I would have hated to have been a young man in an environment where Edwardian beards were the height of cool.
I do not grow facial hair because I do not want to look like an elderly pervert. I don't wear the hat for the same reason, but I keep having to remind myself that I am not gifted with the ability to see myself as others do.