Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Thursday, 22 June 2017
A fine pair (pear - gedditt?!)
The temperature has gone down, Cro is ranting about juvenile delinquents, Rachel is wandering the lanes of Norfolk on heat and John is quietly tugging himself off in a darkened cinema, so all is well with the world again.
I had a successful day yesterday at the same time as almost enjoying myself. I had to work out some problems with a basic design for a carved stone detail and decided to do the work in the open air rather than sit around sweltering in our flat in town.
I suggested that H.I. come with me but she was almost deranged through heat exhaustion, so when she finally agreed it was like stuffing a cat into a box to take it to the vet.
Sitting under a tree next to the river in the old orchard of Iford Manor (IFORD MANOR, HATTATTS! Jesus, what else do I have to do to get your attention?!), listening to the water babbling over rocks in the shallows wasn't really much cooler then elsewhere, but it certainly had a calming effect.
My design problem was to do with a couple of massive stone roundels depicting Autumn and Winter in a set of Four Seasons motifs. The original (19th century) sculptor resolved the centres of Spring and Summer by simply sticking a flower in the middle of each, but I don't know if he ever resolved the problems of Autumn and Winter, because they do not exist. This is why I have been commissioned to make up the full set.
I mentioned the aesthetic problem to the young mason who will be carving them and he asked why I didn't just stick a flower in the middle of both of them like the original designer did. I pointed out that Autumn and Winter in the Northern Hemisphere are not known for a profusion of flowers in the countryside, and Christmas Poinsettias from South Africa would not be appropriate.
He suggested asking the advice of the head gardener, at which point the heat got to me and I asked in turn how the hell the head gardener would be able to help. Even if I did not already know about the shameful lack of flowers during the Winter months in Britain, did he not think that I had the entire interweb at my disposal to confirm my suspicions?
In the peace of the orchard yesterday, I resolved the problems of Winter and Autumn by putting pears in the middle of Autumn and a bunch of mistletoe in Winter.
Even though the designs are mirrored left to right, I have decided on three pears in the centre of Autumn, because two would instantly remind everyone of a large pair of testicles dangling rudely and offensively in front of their faces, and I wish to continue to work for my current clients.