Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Saturday, 25 July 2015
As every year, our 'garden' consists of a nice ceramic trough on a window cill with a load of Night-scented Stock in it, but this year I thought I would fill the gap both sides of it with different flowering plants. This also discourages pigeons from wandering in.
So I had Lavender on one side and Salvia on the other - both chosen for the blue flowers. Bees make a bee-line for all blue flowers, and they certainly seemed to like both.
I looked up Salvia, because I had not really been aware of it before. It turned out to be a powerfully psychotropic drug that has been used to get off one's tits for centuries. I grimly thought I would have to try it out, now that I actually had it staring at me every day from the kitchen window. Then I read-up on its effects.
The most consistently reported effect of Salvia is the powerful impression that you are being pulled first one way then the other by strong, unseen hands. This didn't sound like much fun to me, so I never got round to sampling it.
Yesterday, H.I. got up before me and said that there were 'creatures' wandering around on the draining board. When I looked, they turned out to be ants. They had established a pathway to the lower shelves beneath the draining board, where we keep jams and pickles, etc. Yum.
At one end of their chemical trail was the jam, and at the other end was the Salvia plant. I had imported a whole ant's nest with the Salvia and now something had to be done.
In all its 250 year history, the top floors of this building have never - as far as I know - suffered from infestations of any kind of walking creature - no mice, rats or any insects other than discreet woodworm, and now there were hundreds wandering about as if they intended to colonise both floors in the near future.
I thought that they would all go home after dark, then I could pick them all up in one go and throw them out with the Salvia. I was wrong. We got back last night and they were still walking about all over the place, so I picked up the pot and plant - their Trojan Horse - triple bagged it, then ruthlessly threw it in a street rubbish bin outside.
Then I went back and began killing every one I saw, quickly accumulating a pile of tiny, black corpses in the washing-up bowl. This went on all night.
I went down at 5.00 this morning and killed a load more who were wondering what had happened to their palace. I came down again later and killed some more stragglers which had just got back from the nightclub.
I haven't seen one for half an hour now, but I know that they must be around somewhere.