Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Sunday, 5 July 2015
Halal... is it meat you're looking for?
This shows both how our local newspaper is so bleeding lazy, and how our pub is so desperate for publicity - I have been designated as official photographer for the Grand Opening of the recently refurbished Ladies Toilets to be held at The Bell this afternoon.
Ok, it is also the second AGM of the current community ownership to be held elsewhere, but really. It has taken them two years to tart up one toilet, and now the outgoing Board Members want their 2 minutes of glory and gratitude and I am the only fool who agreed to take the photos.
It could be a laugh though. Our next to useless rag is constantly showing page upon page of 'society' gatherings, with solicitors, estate agents, local business people and their wives and husbands, standing around with glasses of Champagne in salubrious settings with inane grins on their sun-tanned faces. Our yearly party is going to be held in a toilet. Like I say, it could be a laugh.
My plan is to leave it as long as possible so that everyone is as drunk as possible and gurning into the lens like loons.
The newspaper has been very specific as to the brief: The pictures must all be of groups of people facing the camera, and not with their backs turned. They want a minimum of 15 shots, and preferably 30 or more, in which case they will give us a 4 page spread. I wonder if we are paying for it. I bet we are, but will only find out next year during the Treasurer's report.
The pictures must be of a high resolution, so I have turned off the compression on my 14 MP Olympus and turned on the red-eye reduction to hope for the best. It can be quite gloomy at that end of the pub, and we could not fit everyone comfortably in the toilets, let alone get far enough away from them to get them all in shot, so I will have to use flash.
The laughs come in because The Bell is considered - by some people - to be a bit on the rough side. That is not to say that we don't get our fair share of solicitors and estate agents coming in, but they try to stay incognito when getting pissed on 'Badger's Arse' bitter - four pints for the price of three, so long as you down the jug in one.
The rest of the clientele is made up of hippies, musicians, both, alcoholics and left-wing lunatics, both, plus an incongruous sprinkling of right-wing UKIP voters, huntsmen, both, who cannot be bothered to walk into town to find an establishment more suited to their political leanings.
Last year, The Bell made it into the national news by refusing to serve Nigel Farage if he was going to be filmed by the BBC at the same time.
Last week, a group of shaven-headed EDL morons sat in the garden, unmolested by everyone, then stuck a tiny, anti-Moslem card on the wall before leaving.
Why don't they like Moslems? Because, they said, they are cruel to animals... Yeah, right.
The above title is a genuine sign in the window of a Halal butcher in Bristol. I wonder if they knew Lionel Ritchie was going to play at Glastonbury?