Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Monday, 16 March 2015
These belong to Michelangelo's David, and have you ever seen such a lascivious face on any other giant-killer?
When I was art school, there was a cupboard full of Victorian plaster-casts of various parts of David's anatomy (except that one) and I mounted his nose in a large bit of tree-trunk which had the right proportions to his head.
I have already told you the story about the couple of Welsh farmers who asked me to price for the making of a full-sized copy of David in white marble and who, when I had - after about twenty minutes with a calculator - thanked me and said they would get back in touch with me about it. I'm still waiting.
For many years, David was a visual cliche to be found in the foyers of many run-down gay bars and in the apartments of gay couples whose taste in interior design left quite a lot to be desired, though usually they were only about three feet tall - the Davids, not the couples.
The heterosexual equivalent was Rodin's 'The Thinker' or, more overtly, 'The Kiss'.
When in Quebec for an international snow-carving festival, I thought it would be a good joke to carve two full-sized 'Thinkers' back to back, with some books in between them as if on a shelf. The organisers marvelled at my ambition.
By the time I and my two assistants had arrived at the airport and one of them had rammed me in the ankle with her luggage trolley, the idea started to become a little less realistic, especially since neither of them could carve anything at all, let alone a full-sized Rodin sculpture, x2.
Unable to climb a ladder, I was forced to stand at the bottom - in minus 30 degree temperatures - shouting instructions up to the incompetents: "Take a bit off from there! No, not there, there!" so the end result was a disgrace, but still vaguely recognisable, making it even more of a disgrace.