Sunday 25 January 2015

Holiday romance


Mise has been talking of holidays in the Algarve, Southern Portugal, and I compared my experience of lying next to an open sewer on a beach for a week, to her idyllic, sun-drenched, laughter-filled, halcyon days in the midst of picturesque, ochre-coloured villas surrounded by Mediterranean flowers. How many different worlds it is possible to inhabit at the same time.

In the middle of January, most Northern Hemispherical people start to dream and plan of escaping, and we are no exception. For a while, H.I. has been hankering after a particular area of Sicily made famous by de Lampedusa's 'The Leopard', but I have been having misgivings to do with what I suspect to be the actual reality of the place, which is quite unusual for me.

I think that - aside from de Lampedusa -  the Italian detective series, 'Montalbano', has coloured her vision of the place, but when I watched the opening titles and credits rolling up over her shoulder the other day, I couldn't help noticing that Napoli seems to consist of a low mountain which has absolutely no space left to place another white-washed hovel on it, and - from the air - it looks as though its factories spread right down to the water's edge as well. The street scenes also make it clear that it would be even easier to get lost here than Venice, and it would be pointless to ask for a room with a view, unless you wanted an uninterrupted view of you nearest neighbour - your very near neighbour.

Good holidays always entail quite a lot of hard work, and are usually only appreciated as being good once you get home and start looking at the photos. The only exception to this was our trip to Havana, which was unremittingly good right from the moment we arrived - at two in the morning, to be served our first Moquito by a man high up in the Sevilla hotel.

I suppose that, by the time we arrived, they had already kicked out the hoards of gangsters and sent them over to Miami, but although you don't hear too much from the Mafia these days, I think that their spiritual home is still based in Sicily.

There was a spate of handbag-snatching from the backs of Lambrettas a few years ago, but this was low-life stuff and was unlikely to end up in finding a horse's head in your bed when you got back to the hotel. True gangsters tend to view tourists as civilians and therefore an almost legitimate source of income, so we have little to fear from them when on holiday. I am sure the handbag-snatchers were harshly dealt with by the Mob because they were damaging trade.

I spent quite a while in Hamburg, living in a friend's flat on the Reeperbahn some years ago. Hamburg is known for its gangsters - clubs, sex tourism, etc. - and the Reeperbahn is one mile long and has clubs and bars either side of the whole stretch. The mobster's territory is divided right down the middle - the middle of the road.

Every morning I would go for breakfast in a little, English-style cafe and be served by elderly women in ordinary clothing - it was an early morning oasis from the 24/7 sex clubs which surrounded it.

There was always a handful of gangsters sitting around when I went there, and after a while they got to know me and bid me 'good morning' every day. You could spot a gangster in Hamburg because they were all about 6' 3", very beefy, had long tash moustaches, gruff voices and huge mastiff dogs always in tow.

After a week or so of visiting this place, I was told that there had been a little dispute amongst them a few days before, and one lot of them had crossed the street, went into the cafe and shot some of the others dead before going back over the road.

The old ladies just cleared up and carried on as normal.

It is everywhere. Over the road from here is a Turkish restaurant. One night I noticed a middle-aged man who was reverentially being served food and drink by all of the waiters, and he accepted it without a word, not paying for anything.

"Who is that?" I asked a waiter. "You don't want to know who he is," was the answer.

I have a good Chinese friend who just happens to be a Triad member - you are born into it, apparently. He took me out for a Chinese/Thai meal one night, and nothing was spared in food and drink for the 4 of us. I went to pay, and he said, "What are you doing? We don't pay."

13 comments:

  1. I believe Midsomer is very nice at this time of year.

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    1. We have a Midsomer Norton, but I don't think the murder-rate is up to much.

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  2. Either you live in a completely different world from me Tom, or I go around with my eyes half closed. I have been to Sicily several times and never (to my knowledge) seen any Mafia - everyone was lovely. Napoli - smelly, too highly populated, not much going for it is my interpretation. Venice, I adored thirty years ago, when I went every early October - last time I went two years ago it was flooded the whole time we were there and the crowds were so thick that movement was almost impossible. I love Istanbul - and have a friend who has just been - he loved it too. Perhaps the US and Canada (where the farmer and I went twice a year for twenty years) is a bit too sanitised, but we saw such a lot and met such nice folk. Yet for me (not so for the farmer) the pull is always Europe.

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    1. The Mafia don't go round with T-shirts saying 'Mafioso' on them Weave, so I expect you have seen your fair share. Japanese gangsters are always tattooed, so you can spot them a long way off.

      I love old Istanbul too, but I am reluctant to visit Muslim countries at the moment, Shame.

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  3. I normally get raped on the way from the airport to the hotel on the first day. If I am not at least offered sex at this point I am disappointed in my holiday destination.

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    1. That sounds absolutely enchanting. I had more offers of sex from men in Egypt in three weeks than I have ever had in all my life.

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  4. Darling Tom,

    You do not fool us for a moment.

    All this talk of sewers, gangsters, sex workers and hovels does not alter our view of you that you are, in our minds at least, one of the last romantics.

    Yes, you must whisk HI off to some special place without delay. Italy us always wonderful as far as we are concerned. A friend of ours only recently returned from Sicily and had the time of her life. No matter the handbag snatchers......we have each been mugged on the first day of our Montevideo trips........the food will be divine, the landscape serene and so much to excite the senses. It is always possible to escape the crowds in Venice.....almost any church is deserted.....but Naples, we have to admit, holds little appeal.

    As one gets older life can close in. One becomes so much more nervous of anything unfamiliar, but one must guard against isolationism. Go for a great adventure. Go for it!

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    1. What makes you think that there is no romance to be found in sewers, gangsters, hovels and sex-workers?

      Most of my most memorable times have involved at least three of the above ay any given time.

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  5. You must try to keep a low profile, Tom, or that same sort of person will flock to you for their bespoke mausoleum, and there will be no question of payment.

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    1. Hmm. Sounds like a nice rest to me...

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    2. Oh hang on, I thought you were talking about MY mausoleum.

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  6. After my cousin was ordained in Rome, he took my parents out for an evening meal. One course at each of several different restaurants; none of which was paid for. A different sort of Mafia.

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    1. I bet it was exactly the same sort of Mafia as the rest of Italy. I don't think the Vatican bank would be allowed to run without their blessing. If you go to Italy to buy marble and don't like the price you are quoted, hard luck, because one quarry will phone another 50 miles down the road and tell them the price to quote.

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