Tuesday 30 December 2014

Arf Arf!


I had a friend who was adamantly against the anthropomorphism of animals, but not in the way that vegans tend to over-protect them against jokes which the creatures themselves would never understand. He spent most of his adult life shooting them.

Another friend used to get into a seething rage if he ever heard of an animal being called by a human name, preferring 'Fido' or 'Rover' for dogs. God knows what he would have thought about my friend's Border Collie called 'Steve', or another friend's budgie called 'Margaret'.

Yet another acquaintance would get very angry if she saw an animal dressed in human clothing, seeing it as demeaning to the animal. Some animals do not like being laughed at, it's true, but I suspect this is because the sound of a load of humans making braying noises whilst staring at the surrounded creature must be unsettling - a bit like us being encircled by a pack of howling wolves which had previously shown no signs of ill intent.

I prefer the jokes which start off looking as though they are straying into the realms of anthropomorphism, but then wrong-foot you at the last minute. Here is a recent example:

A man is sitting on a bench watching another man approaching with his dog. The dog stops to sniff part of a wall, then stands on its hind legs and places its front paws on the wall and proceeds to piss standing upright, much to the amazement of the observer.

"Has your dog always peed like that?" asks the incredulous man.

"Ever since the wall fell on him."

I'm pretty sure I have already told you this true story, but it was so long ago that it would stand another airing, even though it is now famous.

The wife of a British diplomat would take their young son to the central park in Khartoum every day, because the father was posted to the embassy in Sudan. The boy was intrigued by the life-size statue of General Gordon mounted on a camel.

After a few years, the diplomat was posted elsewhere and preparations were made to move their entire household to another country. On the morning of their imminent departure, the boy became insistent that they go to the park to say goodbye to Gordon forever, and the mother agreed to it and took him there.

The boy bid a tearful farewell, and they left the park for the last time.

Eventually, as they were going home, the lad turned to his mother and asked, "Who was that man sitting on Gordon?"

31 comments:

  1. What do you get if you cross a dog with a vegetable?

    A Jack Brussel! ..... NEXT.

    ReplyDelete
  2. What did the elephant say to the naked man ?

    A: ' How do you breathe through something so small "
    ….. NEXT !!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Two cows in a field and one said "moo". The other said: "That's what I was going to say".

    Th Gordon story was genuinely funny, though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Two snowmen in a field and one says to the other, "Can you smell carrots?"

      Delete
  4. The Gorden story is delightful. The other joke I don't get (could it be because I am not a male dog???)

    ReplyDelete
  5. How do porcupines kiss?
    Very carefully.

    What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
    A brick-layer.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Penguin walks into a pub.

    PENGUIN: "Has my brother been in?"

    BARMAN: "What does he look like?"

    ReplyDelete
  7. What do you call a fly with no wings?
    A walk.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What has 4 legs and flies?

      Two pairs of trousers.

      Delete
  8. One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got in there I'll never know. (Marx)

    ReplyDelete
  9. What do you call a dog magician ?

    A labracadabrador. XXXX

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?

      Dyathinkysaurus.

      Delete
  10. I must admit I'm not keen on animals having 'human' names, but that could be because, my name is Sue & all my dad's family called their dogs Sue, and always claimed that Sue was short for 'Sooner pee on the carpet than go outside!'

    ReplyDelete
  11. Friends of ours have a labradoodle ( labracadabrador !) called Larry, prior to him they had a collie called Colin. My little schnauzer is called Alexi, cat is Taichi. I heard your dog joke on the radio a few days ago and laughed my socks off…well my pyjamas, I think I was in bed at the time! Happy New Year to you and HI. I look forward to reading you next year. I find mens' blogs are much more interesting than womens' on the whole! X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Or even off the hole.

      I almost bought a Whippet just so I could call it Mr Whippy, but then some bloody Today Program presenter came out and said he already had one called that! I was gutted!

      Delete
    2. Lucky for you you said "on the whole" Frances or I would be plotting ways of revenge..

      Delete
    3. The Dark Lord has returned. Too late.

      Delete
  12. A load of animals decide to go for a picnic, and when they get there, they find they have forgotten the bottle-opener.

    They draw lots, and it is decided that the tortoise should go back to get it, but the tortoise is worried they will start eating without him.

    They reassure him that they will not, so he reluctantly sets off.

    Two hours later, he still hasn't returned, but they wait.

    Another two hours passes, and the tortoise still hasn't returned.

    Two more hours later, one of the other animals suggests beginning without him, and a small voice from behind a rock says, "If you do, I won't go."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What's a shitzu?

      A zoo with no animals.

      Delete
    2. What's the difference between an elephant's arse and a letter box?

      Don't know?

      I'll post my own letters then.

      Delete
  13. I know some humans who should be called by dog names. We humans animalorphize all the time so what's wrong with anthropomorphising animals? We're all beasts anyway.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know some humans who are called by animal names.

      Delete
  14. I love that dog joke
    I head it recently but can't remember where
    I suspect radio 4

    ReplyDelete
  15. OK …. I have now had a glass or three of wine :
    Why does a dog lick his own dick ?

    A: Because he can't make a fist !!!

    Sorry ….. I've lowered the tone !! XXXX

    ReplyDelete
  16. Christmas dog joke. "Was the puppy still alive before you wrapped it?"

    ReplyDelete