Sunday, 16 November 2014

John's questionnaire - Knockers, etc.

John has just shown us a filled-out questionnaire here, and I am feeling as lazy as he is today so I thought I would do it too. I didn't realise how much work it involved, though:

A) What does the last text you sent say? And to whom?

“Are you and Amy still coming tomorrow? I’ve got the ingredients for a venison stew...” (Sent to my Stone Conservator girlfriend and her daughter.)

B) What does the last text you received say? And from whom?

“Had a hectic Sat and now have to pay catching up with work in office most of today... am trying to get Christmas shopping done early am now hoping for this Friday. End of week drinks? Amy can get discount at Crockett and Jones Burlington Arcade. Stew sounds fun. Hope I can have it soon. Love to H.I. XXX” (Crockett and Jones discount sounds fun...)

C) What time do you wake up most mornings?

Recently about 4.30, but something’s gone wrong with the routine.

D) Are you afraid of walking alone at night?

No - I’m afraid of not being alone when I am walking at night.

E) What do you do to relax at the end of a stressful day?

Last nigh, watched a not very good dvd - ‘Albert Nobbs’, where the main characters are women dressed very unconvincingly as men, but manage to fool the whole of Dublin into taking them seriously. That’s going straight back to the charity shop.

F) Where did your last kiss take place and with whom?

Aside from saying ‘good night’ to H.I. it was at the pub last night, saying goodbye to my beautiful young ex-barmaid friend and her son, both of whom I love very much.

G) Do/did you get into trouble a lot at school?

Not a lot, but I was once caned for drawing a tiny picture of Mickey Mouse on a wall which was covered in graffiti. The trouble was that I was spotted by Sandra Kent just after someone else had written, ‘SANDRA KENT IS A PROSTITUTE, in huge letters - just before me.

H) Do you enjoy your job? If unemployed, are you content being so?

I don’t think ‘enjoy’ is the right word. How could it be, when it has come close to crippling me and still could?

I) Do you often pick up on double entendres and innuendos?

It is almost a form of Tourette’s with me.

J) Have you ever been offered drugs but declined?

Once, as far as I can remember.

K) Have you ever met someone who has completely altered your way of thinking?

No, but I’ve met a few who have tried. H.I. greatly influenced my thinking about art. Sorry, Art.

L) Have you ever been offered drugs and accepted?

Oh yes.

M) Tell us something weird that turns you on.

Hayley Mills.

N) When did someone last admit romantic or sexual feelings for you? Was the feeling mutual?

About a year ago, believe it or not. She was - and still is - a beautiful 45 year-old, blonde, ex-model with enormous knockers, so yes, I can admit to a mutual admiration without hesitation.

O) What is something you have given a lot of thought to lately?

My future. This is the only time I ever have.

P) When did you last swallow your beliefs to avoid an argument or confrontation?

The last time I spoke to Rachel.

Q) Do you usually initiate hugs?

No, I wait for them to approach me, for fear of being a dirty old man - or at least being discovered as such. I did initiate a hug with a girl in tears recently, though.

R) Are you a very affectionate person?

I would say so, though you might not guess it when you first meet me.

S) Can you roll your own cigarettes?

Yes. I still do.

T) What are you looking forward to?

My future, although this also has an element of trepidation attached to it.

U) Do you have any tattoos. Do you want any/more?

No and no.

V) Are you mentally strong?

In some areas, but not others.

W) Are you physically strong?

Not as strong as when I used to move massive lumps of stone on my own, but strong enough to still do my job with a little help from others - at the moment...

X) Do you think you’re a good person?

Deep down, but aren’t we all?

Y) Name one thing you wish you could change about your life right now.

I’ll get back to you about that.

Z) What do you usually eat for breakfast

Coffee and tobacco.


  1. I could tell you an interesting story about Ms Mills, but I'd probably get arrested. Love your answer to G.

  2. I pissed myself at Hayley Mills

    1. I think John has heard the same stories!!!

    2. Come on! Somebody tell me this urban myth!

    3. I think it goes under the classification of 'golden showers'.

    4. You are taking the piss, aren't you? I have a story about another 60s icon, but this one involves solids - in Bristol

    5. A lesbian friend of mine attended a party which got a little out of hand...

    6. I went out with a bloke who wanted me to piss over his face.

  3. Room for improvement in some areas I would say Tom (breakfast and Hayley Mills for a start.)

    1. In my defence, I developed an unhealthy interest in Hayley Mills when the film, 'Pollyanna' came out and, further to my defence (and before you jump to any conclusions), she is about 2 years older than me, as she was then.

    2. Now where did I put my Hayley Mills wig.........

    3. Maybe the same place you left your 'Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?' wig?

    4. Oh I remember, it's with my Sister Ruth one.

    5. Ha ha! Don't forget I really fancied Sister Ruth - if that makes any difference. Not so sure about Bette Davis though.

    6. I didn't remember that you fancied her. I thought you were being derogatory when you compared me to her.

  4. Coffee and cigarettes for breakfast? That made me laugh! Breakfast of champions, right?

  5. Love your form of Tourette's. And to "R": don't kid yourself, one does.

    1. One does guess that you are a very affectionate person. Hard shell, soft core.

    2. You don't need to guess, Britta - you are one of the few who have met me.

  6. Replies
    1. Mise
      Hidden depths
      Hidden depths

    2. I am about as shallow as you could possibly get, but I disguise this with being very open about my secrets. If you do this, nobody wants to know about them. It's the burglar's equivalent of wearing a Hi-Viz jacket.