Friday, 11 July 2014

Exquisite bollocks


I have often thought about compiling a collection of the sort of romantic, heartwarming and reassuring advertising blurb that you find on the backs of Scotch Whisky bottles - you know, the ones which have descriptions of pure mountain springs, filtered through smokey peat bogs (though they wouldn't actually say the word 'bog') and age-old oak casks languishing for years in a 17th century still-house with white-washed walls - printed over a semi-opaque photo of a loch-side, picturesque castle...

Well, I bought a couple of bottles of Shepherd Neame, 'Brilliant Ale', and was delighted to see that Britain's Oldest Brewery - based in Faversham, Kent - has their own equivalent.

"Inspired by tales of sunshine striking the brewhouse of Britain's oldest brewer. Legend has it our brewers were first moved to create Brilliant Ale by the vision of the bright, early morning sun sending golden shafts of light onto our solid oak mash tun."

Have you ever heard such a wonderfully unlikely load of old bollocks in your life?

I love it.

31 comments:

  1. I saw a load of old bullocks in a field this morning while I was out on my bike...

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  2. I drink it, I don't read the labels.

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    1. You probably can't read the labels.

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    2. I meant after she has finished drinking the contents.

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  3. My old Aussie mate Jock told me of an Aussie beer that advertised by saying 'It get's you drunk'. Honesty pays.

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    1. How charmingly Australian. Their 'Quick-Start' spray is called, 'Start yer Bastard!'.

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  4. Oooh, a version of Komorebi!

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    1. Check my last blog post

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    2. Ah. I am a little wiser, but not much. I don't even know who made this word up, for instance.

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    3. Oh, those completely unhinged and unbalanced nut-cases. Why do we respect the Japanese so much? They are all - without exception - insular and in-bred sociopaths with some very strange habits indeed.

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    4. But they have pretty words

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    5. And they all sound like the seaweed they are so fond of for breakfast.

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  5. Why would they print young bollocks?

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  6. I never expected to see that adjective and that noun printed together as in your last sentence Tom. I certainly don't fancy drinking that.

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  7. Ha! This is how serious people write about fashion almost all the time, a bit of the emperor's new clothes. I'm so glad that you get a taste of it here.

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    1. I know - I love reading the ingredients of perfume too - 'Aqua' for tap water, for instance.

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    2. That's a particular favourite of mine along with anything at all written by the people at L'Oreal. What the fuck does Men Expert mean?

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    3. It means more to me than 'Women Expert'.

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    4. Women are just 'worth it' apparently, but not experts.

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  8. There is a website that rates beers. The Brilliant Ale is described as having a "dry hoppy finish".

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    1. I wouldn't disagree with that. It reminds me of sunbeams striking an old oak mash tun too...

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  9. And DrinkBritain.com recommends to hold a buttercup under your chin to get an idea of the color of this particular beer. I didn't realize that drinking is such serious business.

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    1. Another piece of inspired bollocks. Cider is definitely better with Rosie too.

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