Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Monday, 26 May 2014
The Dutch started the Great Fire of London
I have been having a good laugh at the collapse of Tom Archer's sausage empire recently, and now I am having a good laugh about UKIP taking over the British contingent of the European Parliament.
Ok, they may not be an intrinsically racist party, but I think France's representative - Marine Le Pen - could hardly be described as anything else. Swap the words 'National Front' around, and you have the title of hers, precisely.
Apparently the swing to the far-right has been the same all over the Community, with some very minor policy differences in the form of catchy jingles to do with what exercises the electorate of the particular country the most.
So, for instance, all you have to do if you stand for E.U. parliament in Greece is to call yourself 'the anti-austerity party', and - guess what? - everyone votes for you.
"I wouldn't want to insult the intelligence of the people of Freedonia by saying..." is a very common opening in any sentence from any candidate who is just about to insult the intelligence of the vast majority of stupid people who are likely to vote for them, and it seems to work every time. Flattery - as always - gets you everywhere.
"Do you want to be mugged by a Romanian every time you try to use an ATM cashpoint?", was the rhetorical question posed by Nigel Farage a couple of days before his 'earthquake' victory in the polls.
"Well, no I don't actually", was the inevitable answer, even from people who had never considered this unlikely event as a possibility.
So we had two choices in this election: Go out and vote for UKIP as the only answer to a bunch of lilly-livered, self-serving, hopeless and bungling public or comprehensive schoolboys, or sit at home and let 20% of the rest of the population go out and vote for UKIP for us. I opted for the latter.
When they first began to hone a sharp edge on the legislative corps of the E.U., I described the situation to my German friends as an 'economic carve-up', and wanted nothing to do with it, other than to wrest a tiny amount of control over world finances by weakening the hold that the U.S. dollar had on our combined market-place.
Now, the dollar has never been so weak and the E.U. has never been so strong, so - for the first time in my adult life - I think it would be bad taste to make fun of the Americans just because they are the fallen mighty.
This whole event reminds me of a classic situation in which a very large and powerful man (let's call him John Bull for the sake of this story) is trying to enjoy a quiet pint of beer in a pub, as an unseemly and protracted fight between two smaller men outside impinges on his enjoyment of the evening.
He puts up with it for as long as he can, then - with a sigh of resignation - he puts down his glass and rises from his seat to make his way toward the pub door.
Once outside on the pavement, he gets a firm grip on the collars of the two fighters, pulls them apart, then brings their heads together with a sharp crack and watches them fall - stunned - to the ground.
He then walks slowly back inside, sits down and continues his pint, with the clock ticking away on the mantlepiece over the log fire.
I have seen this happen more than once, but it will take a few years to happen in this country, to these silly boys and girls.