Friday 21 March 2014

You start at the beginning


I am starting to hate the person who cut the moulding (below) into that marble about 180 years ago. He was a clever bloody dick with too much time on his hands.

I also hate the antique dealer who sold the original item to my client, in the full knowledge that it was missing the largest piece of the moulding making the largest run of the crispest and deepest egg and dart I have ever seen in white, statuary marble, in a display of virtuosity which would put whoever composed 'The Flight of The Bumble Bee' to shame.

Before you start complimenting me on how clever I am etc., let me dispel your illusions by saying that the making of stuff like this involves nothing more than weeks of boring, repetitive and - ultimately - soul-destroying work which any madman could do with the right tools. This is a supreme example of why all stonemasons are alcoholic misanthropes with drug and marital problems.

If you embiggen (I love that word, created by a fellow blogger) the photo below, you will notice that the original carver - not content with just one row of starkly regimental 'dentil' mouldings cut into the unforgiving material - has placed secondary fillets of marble cubes deep in the negative recesses between the primary ones, and these are perfectly square and around half an inch cube - situated in a place where it is next to impossible to get a chisel in, let alone use it.

What makes him so fucking irritating is that he did all this without the use of any power tools other than a foot-driven treadle, and had no tungsten or diamond coated electronic gear to speed things up like I have. He probably did, however, have a child slave to hand to sharpen chisels constantly and shout at for tea etc. I cannot afford one of those.

And the most soul-destroying aspect of this little job? The sure knowledge that once I have finished and it is in situ, it will be utterly invisible to anyone over the height of 18 inches.

I know I have told you this story before, but not in the context of this prime example of how insane you have to be (or become) to be a stone carver.

I was working one Saturday in my town workshop, when an American tourist stood at the door, watching me knock bits off a block with repetitive strikes of a small mallet and chisel.

Normally, they would stand there for a few minutes with an admiring smile on their faces before saying something like, "I wouldn't know where to start," (see title) or "I wish I had the skill to do that."

This man waited for a break in the beats before saying, "My God - that must be SO boring!" Then he just walked away, obviously doubly glad of his office job back home.


35 comments:

  1. P.S. - As I write this, I also sit and wait for the delivery of a little diamond-studded rotary tool to be delivered from the other side of London. I dropped the die-grinder with the other one fitted to it yesterday, and it bent badly. Even a slightly bent rotary tool is unusable at 4500 RPM.

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  2. P.P.S. You can see the robin-shit to the left of the top photo. Now you know why - in the great scheme of things - I have not bothered to bleach it out.

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  3. So, the original carver was bloody good then ?!! XXXX

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    1. Just a show-off, that's all... (grrrr). That diamond bit has just arrived, so I must get back to it now. Weekend coming up, but I really should work right through... no, maybe not.

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  4. So how much longer til you finish, then? You poor bored, but talented stone carver, you...

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    1. Can't say yet. The first two were right anyway.

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  5. Oh my god; it really is egg-n-dart. I thought you were kidding. My commiserations.

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    1. I wondered if you were serious. Now I (and you) know...

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  6. Didn't you once have a glamorous assistant?

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    1. She was last seen running across Dartmoor screaming.

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    2. ...to Benny Hill music. My glamorous assistant didn't like the idea of slavery, so I set him free.

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    3. You need a big busty assistant
      A deaf One with a think skin

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    4. A think skin? I've heard of muscular memory, but that's creepy.

      Did you like the way that Ian belted the Rob in the jaw tonight? Masterful. Reminded me of Russel fucking Crowe.

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    5. I thought he was a bit queeny!
      ( just as he should be)

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    6. The fat bastard likes a bit of Rough and Tumble though.

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  7. Two questions Tom
    Did tea arrive in this country before boy slaves were a thing of the past?
    What happens if the chisel slips?

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    1. Tea was transported on the same ships as the Africans.

      The chisel slips all the time. I have the scars to prove it. In steel versus bone, steel usually wins.

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  8. What an astute American tourist he was.

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  9. I worry that this design may gather the Dust.

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    1. Don't worry Mise. It is sheltered by about a half a ton of other marble which is why it will not be seen by any other than Leprechauns. Also, my client has made a bit if a name for himself by being pretty good at dusting.

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  10. I feel bad for the lack of sympathy. I hope you knew enough to charge enough to lighten the misery of it. Will you leave some parting words near the bird shit?

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    1. I - unlike robins - never leave calling-cards.

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  11. Hey Tom, if it brightens you a little it sure is pretty. and just think as long as no one rips it out, your work could be there for millennia.

    As you know I love a bit of architectural splendour.

    I think it is stunning. if anyone asks about the poop, you tell them it is an ancient form of acid to etch the surface

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    1. Nobody will notice the poop or even the carving, like I said.

      It will be pretty, but that's no thanks to me. The Greeks would have thought it too neat.

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  12. I first heard the word 'embiggen' on the Simpson's in the late 1990's, i think it was. In that same episode, i believe they also used the word 'cromulent' another splendid should-be-a-real-word.

    I do hope you are getting paid well for this task.

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    1. Oh yes. I never give quotes, let alone estimates.

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    2. "A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man!" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HQEOO5BvcU

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  13. I take it, this is not soothing and does not keeps you calm and clear.
    Merle.........

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    1. Not when I think as I work, but - thankfully - there is no thinking involved.

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  14. Showy offy but absolutely stunning. If it was mine, I'd be bending to the height of a toddler to appreciate it every day.

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    1. I would employ a midget to tell me what it was like.

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