Sunday 23 February 2014

Handy Hints for Home Entertainment


The mature bride and her new husband came around last night, and I kept them amused until dinner was ready with some highly predictable gestures and actions involving the carrots before I chopped them up.

Well, I say 'them', but really it was only her that was creased up with laughter as I simulated onanism with varyingly shaped and sized root vegetables, one after the other. He just sat and stared at me, his face utterly devoid of expression.

I cannot remember how many carrots I prepared to go with the roast, but it was quite a lot. The great thing about this form of entertainment is that it is so cheap and easy. Anyone can afford to keep their guests entertained in this way, and the beauty of it is that repetition seems to make it funnier - to some.

Over the years I have noticed that it is only women that find this visual joke funny - I think that men seem to find it threatening, in a basic sort of way. Having said that, every time I make a lewd gesture with a carrot to H.I., she just sighs and looks heavenward. She just doesn't seem to have grasped the truth that the more you do it, the funnier it gets and after about 25 years of repetition, I think she has had enough.

I may have told you this before, but I was once out shopping with H.I. in the supermarket, and - as always - I picked up the largest and rudest-looking carrot I could find when we passed the vegetable stalls, pressed it to the front of my trousers and held it at a rakish angle whilst pulling an equally rakish expression as I waited for her to notice.

Eventually she did notice, and I was treated to the usual look which said, 'oh, bloody well grow up'.

This would have been reward enough in itself, but then I saw a young women who had spotted my little jape from about three aisles away, and was helpless with laughter, having watched for as long as it took H.I. to notice.

I could just imagine that young women going home and telling her husband what she had seen in Waitrose that afternoon, and him looking disturbed and bewildered as she breathlessly describes an old man doing something obscene with a carrot, wondering whether or not it was a matter for the police.

Double reward.

10 comments:

  1. Only funny when performed by those other than one's partner obviously and I suddenly feel our roast chicken tonight was a very tedious affair. The carrots were hacked in solitude whilst staring at our new neighbours moving in with their two yappy dachshunds. Great.

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    1. I bet you say that to all your partners, Em. You should have shoved one or two up a dog's arse, then watch your new neighbours laugh.

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  2. Long and thin? The new genetically modified carrots they'd be. Dayglo orange and all the same size but don't taste of anything. I hope you washed them thoroughly.

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    1. Something for everyone. They taste of something by the time I've finished with them.

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  3. Long and fat ones are the best but I don't eat carrots.

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  4. Esther Rantzen would have larfed!

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    1. Oh yes - she had a thing about sausages and deformed vegetables, didn't she?

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  5. I am easily pleased. I laugh at words like guff and flange (sniggering typing that). The carrots would have probably made me laugh. I once had to send an ebay parcel to a place called shaggy meadow, I was wetting myself when I handed it over to the lady and it had to be special delivery. they have to type the postcode and house in. I should have google mapped it.

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    1. Crinkly Bottom is another address on my eBay wish-list.

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