Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Sunday, 23 February 2014
Handy Hints for Home Entertainment
The mature bride and her new husband came around last night, and I kept them amused until dinner was ready with some highly predictable gestures and actions involving the carrots before I chopped them up.
Well, I say 'them', but really it was only her that was creased up with laughter as I simulated onanism with varyingly shaped and sized root vegetables, one after the other. He just sat and stared at me, his face utterly devoid of expression.
I cannot remember how many carrots I prepared to go with the roast, but it was quite a lot. The great thing about this form of entertainment is that it is so cheap and easy. Anyone can afford to keep their guests entertained in this way, and the beauty of it is that repetition seems to make it funnier - to some.
Over the years I have noticed that it is only women that find this visual joke funny - I think that men seem to find it threatening, in a basic sort of way. Having said that, every time I make a lewd gesture with a carrot to H.I., she just sighs and looks heavenward. She just doesn't seem to have grasped the truth that the more you do it, the funnier it gets and after about 25 years of repetition, I think she has had enough.
I may have told you this before, but I was once out shopping with H.I. in the supermarket, and - as always - I picked up the largest and rudest-looking carrot I could find when we passed the vegetable stalls, pressed it to the front of my trousers and held it at a rakish angle whilst pulling an equally rakish expression as I waited for her to notice.
Eventually she did notice, and I was treated to the usual look which said, 'oh, bloody well grow up'.
This would have been reward enough in itself, but then I saw a young women who had spotted my little jape from about three aisles away, and was helpless with laughter, having watched for as long as it took H.I. to notice.
I could just imagine that young women going home and telling her husband what she had seen in Waitrose that afternoon, and him looking disturbed and bewildered as she breathlessly describes an old man doing something obscene with a carrot, wondering whether or not it was a matter for the police.