Monday 2 December 2013

The Vicar's Relief Fund


Today I can go back to freezing my arse off whilst whacking a large block of white marble - or, more accurately, reducing it with some fast-moving diamonds.

The job on the pub - once handed over to a more well insured main contractor - was only supposed to have me going up and down the scaffold a couple of times to reposition the bell, but in the end it got quite physical.

The building advisor on the board of this publicly-owned, Grade 2 listed building, now refers to me as the 'arbiter of taste' and I just accept the title, even though it does not sum up the position as well as my self-styled 'spiritual advisor' one which I gave the board and about 100 shareholders a few weeks ago.

Now that the scaffold is down, I have a whole suite of alibis to hand out to the dozens of people who are already complaining about the colour, the lighting and even the timing of the initial external works, and it's not my fault that the toilets are still a tad on the disgraceful side.

They used to stick up large event posters with wallpaper paste just to the left of the front door, but I got them to make a large wooden billboard to save the fresh shelter-coating from getting too unsightly, too quickly. As soon as it was up, one of the shareholding regulars came out, took one look and said he didn't like it. This was the man who has moaned about the work all the way through, but got so used to the scaffold he asked if it could stay permanently up.

I replied that I did not give a flying fuck about what he did or did not like, and recommended he should just fuck off. The strain was obviously beginning to tell on me. We went back inside and he bought me a drink.

Changing the subject, the St Martin's in the Fields appeal for the homeless is the only charity that me and H.I. give to every year, and it is always launched in the run-up to Christmas, heavily sponsored by BBC's Radio 4.

I saw H.I. putting a stamp on an envelope last night, and she told me it contained a cheque for the cutely named 'Vicar's Relief Fund' of St Martin's in the Fields.

I remembered that you could also donate with a card by phone using a free 0800 number (0800 082 8284 in fact, just in case you want to do the same), and that the phones were being manned by various announcers and newsreaders of Radio 4 - familiar voices all. I decided that I was going to phone through my donation, so I could speak to a mildly famous person at the same time - you know, get my money's worth.

I was rather hoping to get Neil Nunes, the unmistakably rich-voiced newsreader whose bulletins I love listening to, but I got Kathy Clugston instead.

This was just as good as Mr Nunes, because she has a wonderfully smooth, Belfast accent, and not only that but she is very chatty indeed. It turns out we both have accounts with the same banks, and we both have the same attitude toward them as well, which is both unbroadcastable and unprintable.

She also knows someone who lives in Bath who I vaguely know, and I am hoping she will pop into The Bell next time she visits him. Maybe she will bring her ukelele with her and give us a tune.


24 comments:

  1. Mr Nunes has a wonderfully deep voice, he could almost sing bass with The Ink Spots.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can almost hear the intro now - I ought to be able to, I heard it enough times.

      Delete
  2. I like the color a lot. In fact I'm wearing a shirt that is either the same or pretty close to the same color. It is hard to find. Most are some grayed color. Why would anyone want a purple shirt? Although I think it would look good with a ukelele.

    The stonework around the door is awesome. As is the bell. If she plays the ukelele, you should ring the bell. Ask for donations.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The bell would just be a dull thud - like my uke playing.

      Delete
  3. Its not really serendipity since I listened to that appeal too, but I had made a note to donate to the Vicars Relief Fund too, it sounds like such a good idea as well as having a cute name. I like the idea of all those relieved vicars. Anyway your post reminds me to do the donation.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do it by phone, Jenny - you never know who you'll talk to. If you get Kathy Clugston, give her my regards.

      Delete
  4. Underneath all that red paint, there's a heart of gold.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well there's a load of nasty green paint really, Moll.

      Delete
  5. I do like Kathy Clugston but I do miss Charlotte Green. Someone once told me I sounded like her and it made my day. Thanks for the donation reminder...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I miss her voice too - one of the sexiest on radio I thought. She hosts some other music prog these days, apparently.

      Delete
  6. I have a Christmas charity too Tom - I think it is important to send all the money to one source rather than spread it around.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well the St Martin's one does spread it around - not just London - but I truly believe they spread it wisely and carefully.

      Delete
  7. It was always a relief for me when the sermon ended. Those hard, uncomfortable pews.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ... only to be replaced with hard, uncomfortable truths...

      Delete
  8. We just dropped off our Xmas donation check at the National Mill Dog Rescue in Peyton, Colorado. Nobody there had a sexy voice but we got to smell a lot of doggie breath and poo.

    Is the pub going to have a sign outside with the name on it or is it just going to be the bell itself. I really like the way it looks now and yet I am somehow reminded of a fire station. What dost thou think, oh spiritual advisor?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fire station?! I suppose the red, the bell and the slippery pole don't help. I'll try not to put that image into the heads of anyone here.

      We are discussing a small name above the billboard which was not put up for this photo. There is a huge, illuminated sign on the end.

      Delete
  9. I'm thinking your pub occupies the downhill, ground floor side of the building. Tell us about the other suites.
    And after seeing your paint selections, I believe spiritual advisor is a far better title than taste arbiter.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The whole pub is built on a very slight uphill gradient, but all level inside - mostly. You represent about 50% of the rest of Bath in your comment about my sense of taste, but that's only to be expected and is now like water off a duck's back to me. One thing I am is self-confident in the choices that I foist upon others. I know what's good for them, even if they don't.

      Delete
  10. Donations, ah, it IS that time of the year. As for your paint, it's charming! As for the singer, never heard of her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Donna - you represent the other 50% (see above).

      She's not a singer, she's a British newsreader on the BBC radio who you might have heard if you ever listened to the World Service.

      Delete
    2. BTW - she just happens to play the ukelele in her spare time!

      Delete
  11. I'ver just put up a crap photo of The Bell in its Christmas clothing.

    ReplyDelete