Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Thursday, 28 November 2013
An angel, right here on Earth
People dump the strangest of things out at my country workshop. The other day it was this child's jumper - in very good condition - and the cute little dead puppy below - also in good condition. I think the one originally wrapped the other before being thrown out of a car.
I get people who have gardens big enough to produce large quantities of grass-cuttings, but not enough space to keep a compost heap, apparently.
The last rogue builder to dump a ton of rubbish out here was stupid enough to leave paperwork with his name and address on it. He was fined £8000.
The last stolen car to be dumped and burnt-out there was registered to Cardiff Prison - I would have liked to have known the story behind that. I imagine a daring break-out, but I expect the reality was much more mundane.
The policeman in attendance warned me that burnt-out cars are extremely dangerous, but could not say how or why. I later discovered that if you set fire to rubber O-ring seals, they created hydrofluoric acid, which will carry on eating through skin, flesh and bone until it comes out of the other side - like the blood of the creature in 'Alien'.
It was this same policeman who was entrusted with the task of identifying the man found hanging from a short length of baler-twine right opposite my workshop, and this task was made all the more difficult because the man had been hanging there for over two weeks in mid-summer. Well I didn't smell him.
I arrived at the yard one day to find it full of police, including forensic scientists, and found out that they were treating the hanging as murder, for the simple reason that the corpse had both its hands and feet bound together in the same twine.
For the next two weeks, it was very creepy around the place, as I imagined that the area was an execution ground for a local band of ruthless gangsters. Eventually, it was decided that the man had somehow managed to tie himself up before launching into the void, so the atmosphere became a little less tense. Just a little.
The same policeman turned up one day to inform me that they had traced the father of the dead man, who lived in Liverpool. When the Liverpool policeman knocked on the father's door and told him of the tragic death of his son, the father dropped dead on the doorstep through shock. This was the most extreme example of how the repercussions of suicide spread far further than the suicide itself that I have ever heard of.
I looked at the forlorn little body of the doggie and wondered what to do with it. There was no sign of injury, so I guess it had just pegged out through exposure or whatever. Then I remembered that I have a young taxidermist friend.
She took one look at it and decided it was going to become an angel, right here on Earth.