Friday, 11 October 2013

Expensive jokes


So far, nobody has rushed to buy this £2.5 million country house in Gloucestershire, and the agents think it may be something to do with it's name - Twatley Mansion.

We have already covered what the colloquial term, 'twat' refers to, so the agents - whilst spreading false information about the etymology in an incredible damage-limitation exercise - are wasting their time when they try to fool us by mumbling that the house's name has something to do with 'rabbits' in the area. A 'twat' is a hole in a hedge through which it is possible to squeeze. Geddit?

I have a friend who has - so far - failed to raise the £2.5 million to build a house which he intends to call 'Surly Manor', all for the sake of a rather expensive and long-running joke.

Once built, he would employ the rudest and gruffest butler he could find, so that when the man answers the telephone, the caller would hear, "Surly Manor", in an instant description of what to expect when they visit.

I once had a girlfriend whose step-father was the architect of a mini-mansion in Norfolk, and he ended up buying it from his client, whose title was Lord Templewood.

When the house was first completed, it had a ridiculous name associated with the area, which included the word, 'Bottom' - I cannot remember the exact name, but let's call it 'Crinkly Bottom' for the sake of the story.

At the time, the owner was simply called, 'Mr ****', but - one day - he received a phone call from a government office informing him that he was about to be elevated to the nobility, and was to receive the title of 'Lord'.

Shortly after he put the phone down and when he was basking in the advance knowledge of his elevation, he suddenly realised - with horror - that his title would be 'Lord Crinkly Bottom', unless he did something about it very soon.

So he simply changed the name of the house to 'Templewood' and the Noble House referred to him as such thereafter.

There is a Korean priest in the Vatican called 'Cardinal Sin'.

28 comments:

  1. That's a nice looking house. £2.5 Million would just about buy a broom cupboard in central London.

    We have a friend who's house is called 'Giblets'.

    ReplyDelete
  2. An Irishman of my acquaintance was given at birth by his parents the forename of Lord. It was duly written on his birth certificate and in time in his passport and all other official documents that he was Lord so-and-so.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is sounding like the Kounty Kent in my book. Thanks for the hedge reference. I love it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 'Tis all true, by all accounts. I love you (and a few others) Sarah.

      Delete
  4. Once again, Tom, I've learned superb 'trivia' from you! Bless ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not so trivial, under other circumstances? Bless you too, Broad.

      Delete
  5. Is a British twat the same as an American twat? I wasn't present for that lesson.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. British twats are more polite

      Delete
    2. .......... and more accommodating !! XXXX

      Delete
    3. Australian twats like the middle finger

      Delete
    4. I researched the issue, and found that the word is more vulgar in England. Tom?

      Delete
    5. I have known almost as many American twats as British ones, and I can say with authority that you would be hard-pressed to tell the difference if the lights were switched off when you are trying to squeeze through them.

      I hope that answers your questions/s.

      Delete
    6. Thank you, it most definitely has.

      Delete
    7. Oh, and I once squeezed through an Australian twat one night, way back in the 1970s. She got up in the dark morning, and I heard the sound of water hitting floorboards in a nearby clothes cupboard.

      "What are you doing?" I asked.

      "What do you think? I'm having a piss!"

      She didn't remember a thing next day.

      Delete
  6. 'What query was that, Mrs. Bucket?'
    'It's Bouquet.' How many times do I have to repeat what should be an obvious pronunciation to all who see the name written down.'
    (from Hyacinth Bucket's Book of Etiquette. For The Socially Less Fortunate)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Could be right out of a Jane Austin novel

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have never read any Jane bloody Austen (NOTE correct spelling please, Moll), but I would be willing to bet £100 that none of them have ever included the word, 'twat'.

      Delete
    2. I wouldn't risk it Tom. There maybe the odd 'twattle' or 'twittle-twattle' or two in JA.

      e.g. When they saw the butcher dismount the ducks made curious twattling sounds.

      Delete
  8. To be or Twat to be, that is the question

    ReplyDelete
  9. Don't think I believe that last line Tom.

    ReplyDelete
  10. My Father restored an old house and when he'd finished, he decided to call it Dunrobin because he did not like it's original name, Duckpaddle and a friendly Robin had almost become tame enough to eat out of his hand as he worked the site.

    For a moment, until we explained, he could not unnderstand why us boys all burst out laughing. He was so honest he would never even steal a pencil off his employers and now here he was announcing to his neighbours that he was officially retiring and hanging up his Zorro eye mask, stripey shirt and swag bag.

    Dear old Father, he had everything ready and died of a massive heart attack six months before he was due to retire.

    As an aside, my German Grandmother's christian name is Fanny. I mean, which twat would call his daughter Fanny?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That robin was probably just trying to scare him away from it's territory. At last, I have finally met someone who knows someone who actually named their house with 'Dun' as a prefix.

      I would have been very tempted to call my daughter Fanny, but I was never much of a good father.

      Delete