Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Sunday, 11 August 2013
When I heard that Zapata's (the Mexican revolutionary) last words were, "Don't let me die like this - tell them I said something", it got me thinking of Last Words in general, and what I would like to have come from my lips, rather than the obscene, incoherent rambling which probably will.
I think that my mother's last words were probably the best I have ever heard.
She was lying in the single bed next to my father's, watching early evening T.V. as was their habit, and - it being quite a while ago - there were only two channels to view and no remote control to switch between them.
It had always been my father's duty to get up to switch channels and my mother's prerogative to decide which one was watched. Instead of simply asking him to turn the knob for her, she would just make a complaint about it, which was the signal for dad to get up and do the job.
I don't know what program she was watching just before she died, but her last words were, "This is a load of rubbish. What's on the other side?" With that she was gone through a massive heart-attack. Brilliant.
Some people seem to think that it is their duty to an adoring public to say something pithy before - or as - they fall off the perch but, not being famous, I have not given it much thought. Of all words that issued from the mouth/pen of Oscar Wilde, I think that his last were probably the most annoying - clever dick to the end.
I was thinking about it whilst sitting on a gravestone at South Wraxall church the other day though, and thought that I might try and say, "That was the best dream I have ever had", but now that I have told you about it, it would be too contrived to be convincing, even if I did retain enough marbles to recite it.
Got any ideas about what you would like to be your last utterance, or is it rude to ask?