Thursday 6 June 2013

Up, up and away - not


All those pesky criminals can make our lives so difficult. From the mildly anti-social to full-blown madmen with terrorist intent, the lowest common denominator is always applied when trying to control a tiny proportion of any society that show any signs of being either a bit of a potential problem to the rest of us, or a massive menace which has to be dealt with by any effective means.

I am slightly dreading getting on the airplane to go to Germany soon, but not because of any worries about bombs.

When I go through the security gate at the airport, I know - I just know - that, amongst other things, they will demand that I remove my belt.

I will be forced to comply (I also know from past experience that to show the slightest sign of reluctance brings an armed guard who is one step away from handcuffing you) and put my belt into the tray, along with wallet, watch, keys and small change.

I will then go through the machine which - for a select group of giggling women - makes it appear as though you are standing in a dry shower completely naked, albeit it with your private parts somewhat squashed up by an unseen agency.

If I successfully get through the metal-detector without setting off any alarms (and even if I don't) I will be told to stand in a certain spot and lift my arms away from my waist so that the burly man can briefly (and expertly, it has to be said) fondle my gonads. It is at this point that my trousers will fall down, exposing the hitherto unseen agency that is somewhat squashing my private parts.

You see, the pair of trousers which I intend to wear for the trip are - although very comfortable - about 2 inches too big for my waist, and depend on a belt to keep them up.

I would wear a pair of braces, but they would only insist I put them in the tray along with the rest of the stuff, and putting them back on after my trousers have fallen down would only increase the humiliation I am bound to experience in any event.

The golden age of air-travel is definitely over.

19 comments:

  1. Elasticated waist bands
    Comfortable
    And SAFE

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    Replies
    1. I follow Jeremy Clarkson's advice - NEVER be seen with any trousers which contain a hint of elastic. That's the only advice of his I actually follow, mind.

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  2. Or a friendly seamstress who would nip-n-tuck.

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    1. On the sack which contains my shrivelled gonads?

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  3. Cro hit it first. Trousers are the easiest garment in the world to alter. I let out my former husband's trousers regularly. They will look better on you, too, if taken in, and that will please you.

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    1. No - I can kid myself that I still have a slim waist if I wear too large a waist size.

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  4. Those so-called giggling ladies will have seen it all before Tom. Don't be so bashful. I am surprised at you - you must have carved, drawn, painted naked women models over the years. What's the difference.

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    Replies
    1. I've done more than that to naked women in the past. The difference is that some of them I have known have had larger pudenda than mine when I am nervous or running for my life.

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  5. Perhaps you could invest in a new pair of trousers that fit you ? ..... or eat a few pies up the pub and put on those couple of inches. I ALWAYS wear the wrong footwear .... the kind with hundreds of buckles that take ages to undo and do up again and my fellow travellers have to wait for me. I do it everytime..... and, I ALWAYS wear thousands of silver bracelets too. You would have thought I'd have learned my lesson by now !!!! XXXX

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    Replies
    1. Maybe when the trousers start coming down, I will shout "ALLAH HU AKBAR!!!", then they will all cower and hide under tables. Good idea, eh?

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  6. I used to have great entertainment when being frisked. Just tell them that you are enjoying their touch and wait for the reaction!

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    1. The thing is..... Heron probably DID enjoy it

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    2. I don't believe it - they would have taken him into a back room and shoved a broomstick up his fundament. Photos please.

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  7. But at least while we are being felt up, x-rayed and unclothed, we will feel safer. Right?

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    1. Er... in one way, yes. A complimentary packet of nuts usually relaxes me for a short flight, just so long as they are not attached to me.

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  8. A monks cord around the waist... only for check-in, check out. Or an workman's Jumpsuit.

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    1. "Prithee, Father - what is that onesy with a bell-pull tied around thine waist?"

      "Tis nothing but an workman's Jumpsuit".

      "Proceed to the check-in, Father, and may God speed you on your journey".

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    2. Tis a madman trained in the silent art of strangulation! Arrest him! Now!

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    3. 'An' madman, surely? And, "Guards! Seize him!"

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