Up, up and away - not

All those pesky criminals can make our lives so difficult. From the mildly anti-social to full-blown madmen with terrorist intent, the lowest common denominator is always applied when trying to control a tiny proportion of any society that show any signs of being either a bit of a potential problem to the rest of us, or a massive menace which has to be dealt with by any effective means.

I am slightly dreading getting on the airplane to go to Germany soon, but not because of any worries about bombs.

When I go through the security gate at the airport, I know - I just know - that, amongst other things, they will demand that I remove my belt.

I will be forced to comply (I also know from past experience that to show the slightest sign of reluctance brings an armed guard who is one step away from handcuffing you) and put my belt into the tray, along with wallet, watch, keys and small change.

I will then go through the machine which - for a select group of giggling women - makes it appear as though you are standing in a dry shower completely naked, albeit it with your private parts somewhat squashed up by an unseen agency.

If I successfully get through the metal-detector without setting off any alarms (and even if I don't) I will be told to stand in a certain spot and lift my arms away from my waist so that the burly man can briefly (and expertly, it has to be said) fondle my gonads. It is at this point that my trousers will fall down, exposing the hitherto unseen agency that is somewhat squashing my private parts.

You see, the pair of trousers which I intend to wear for the trip are - although very comfortable - about 2 inches too big for my waist, and depend on a belt to keep them up.

I would wear a pair of braces, but they would only insist I put them in the tray along with the rest of the stuff, and putting them back on after my trousers have fallen down would only increase the humiliation I am bound to experience in any event.

The golden age of air-travel is definitely over.