Monday 17 June 2013

Strangling celebrity chefs


When Nigella Lawson brought out a cook-book entitled, 'How To Boil An Egg', I did find it a little patronising, but I never felt the slightest desire to strangle her - just  the opposite. (Just been told that Delia Smith wrote this book - see comments below. Oh well, I can't change this post now...)

Then I thought that maybe the book was aimed at young men who had just left home for the first time, and needed all the help they could get which was not given by their mothers, but having never read the book, I don't know.

Then I remembered that the one thing I cannot do consistently correctly in the kitchen, is boil an egg.

I used to have (and possibly still do have) a single and strange allergy attached to eggs, and it took me years after leaving home to discover what triggered it.

About twice a year, I would wake up in the morning with extreme dizziness and acidic nausea, so bad that I could not leave the house for at least 24 hours, and had to stay lying down for the whole time.

Then one day when I woke up in this sorry state - again - I tried to think back about what I had eaten the previous day, finding that it had been nothing out of the ordinary. Having a full 24 hours to think back with nothing else to do, it struck me that - because I was completely broke at the time - I had searched the fridge for something to eat the day before and found two eggs, one of which I had soft-boiled and eaten. Nothing else, just one egg.

These were the days when proper, free-range eggs were very difficult to come by, and because the fridge and it's contents belonged to someone else who did not have the same scruples as the starving, vegetarian me, I suspected that the egg came from a nasty battery-farm. Because the white of the egg was under-done, I also began to suspect that it was most likely to be the cause of my strange, temporary illness.

I began to deduce - lying horizontally and incapacitated - that the symptoms of my allergy would only become apparent 48 hours after I had eaten the runny white of a battery-farm egg, no matter what I had eaten in the previous 24.

The next day I awoke completely refreshed and well, and decided to conduct an experiment by going back to the fridge and under-cooking the remaining egg, then eating it. Next day I was fine. The day after, I could not stand up again for dizziness, and that lasted for 24 hours. The reason it had taken me so long to find the cause of my regular illness was the time delay in the onset of the symptoms.

All this was many years ago, and ever since I have never had the courage to under-cook the white of a chicken's egg, whether it is organic and free-range or not. I have never had a recurrence of the problem either, but I found out that one of my nephews cannot eat anything other than organic eggs without suffering the identical problem.

This means that - as far as H.I. is concerned - I have lost the ability to boil an egg, if I ever had it in the first place. Every time I boil her an egg, she complains that the yolk is hard. All she has ever done is toss an egg into cold water and bring it to the boil, somehow instinctively knowing the exact time to pull it out with a hard white and a yolk so runny that soldiers can be used to dive into it (anyone not know what 'soldiers are?).

I wonder if all of this could be of use if the police do go ahead and press charges against Mr Saatchi for the alleged domestic (but public) incident the other day?


26 comments:

  1. P.S. - I expect you have heard of the death of Iain Banks, the author? I became very fond of him last year, when I read his book 'In Search of the Perfect Dram' during my previous visit to Bremerhaven. It was the only English novel on the shelf, and it still is, as I saw it again there this year. Strange and sad.

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  2. Undercooking eggs,..... Especially if they are free range can be a nightmare as small amateur suppliers don't salmonella check their produce and chickens


    Ps delia did the " how to boil and bleeding egg" book

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    1. Did she?! You have completely ruined the thread of my post with that bit of information!

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  3. "Gripping" story - I saw the photo in the newspaper. Awful in many ways, I think.
    Well, the modern boy doesn't know very much about household things today (because their mothers didn't know them either!) - that's why they sold about 60.000 copies of my book HomeBasics (4th edition) - mostly bought by girlfriends and mothers, seldom by a young man himself.

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    1. 'Gripping Story' - I love it. You are obviously a professional, Britta. You sold 60,000 of your own cookbook? I am deeply impressed.

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    2. Thank you! It is not (only) a cookbook, it is something like Mrs. Beeton's Book of Household Management for Young Men, but funnier, I hope.

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    3. Translated into English? I might have to learn German just to read it if not.

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  4. Vale Iain (and Ian? Didn't he write under both?) Banks. He wrote some awesome books.
    Sorry guys but Nigella's sidelong looks while sucking on a well-yoked soldier never fails to shit me.

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    1. Iain Banks for novels, and Ian M Banks for Sci-Fi, I think.

      I know what you mean about the coy looks whilst sucking a soldier. you have re-kindled my desire for celebrity abuse, Sarah (I am careful in what I say).

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    2. Ooops, I was suffering from lack of context when I posted that comment. The media's carrier pigeon has finally made it to my corner of the world. Strangling/celebrity chefs ... damn. What a horrible scene for her.

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    3. Maybe he didn't appreciate her cooking?

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  5. I've just this minute eaten a hard boiled egg with salad that was actually undercooked because I didn't boil it long enough. I felt OK until I read your blog. Now I'm starting to feel a bit queasy...

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    1. If I don't hear from you in 48 hours, Sue, I will expect to hear from you in 72.

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  6. I have difficulty with eggs ever since I served Easter breakfast of scrambled eggs and bacon. The eggs I used were Omega enriched eggs...from chickens fed Omega fatty acids. Horror of horrors the eggs tasted like fish...from the Omega Fish oils....10 of us didn;t touch an egg for 2 months at least. I did some Google research and found that fishiness occurs in every so many Omega eggs.

    If you want a perfect (non omega) hard boiled egg method.(to ensure no dark rings around the yolks)here is my method.

    Place eggs in pan in cold water. Bring to boil. As soon as water boils remove from heat. Place lid on pan and leave to exactly 5 minutes. Place pan under cold water and run water until the pan and eggs are cold.

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    1. Don't you start - you will either be strangled by an art collector, or find yourself drunkenly shouting over the Tannoy at a football crowd, depending on whose cookery school you attended.

      Eggs always taste of whatever you feed the chickens. Garlic eggs are particularly nasty.

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  7. Anyone who has the stomach to eat undercooked egg WHITE needs a medal Tom. And where have you been - I have been suffering withdrawal symptoms,

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    1. I bet you have eaten chocolate mousse made with whipped, raw egg-white though, Weave. I've been to Germany, and kept away from Blogland.

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  8. DID YOU NOT LISTEN TO EDWINA CURRIE????? Eggs are full of fowl diseases that will kill you. Woodrow Wyatt (sp?) suggested 4.25 mins for the perfect boiled egg, counted from when the water started to boil. At this time of year we eat hard boiled eggs, with mayo, almost every lunchtime; I give them 8 mins, when the yolks are still very slightly soft.

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    1. Don't you start either. I was too busy shagging Edwina to listen to her advice about salmonella. I thought salmonella was an STD.

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  9. Interesting. I've made soft-boiled eggs by placing the eggs in cold water in a saucepin, bringing the water just to the boil, then shutting off the flame and remove the egg 3 minutes later.

    This house came with an electric stove, so the first time i made soft-boiled eggs, i left the saucepan on the burner as i'd done for years with the gas stove. I ended up with nearly hard-boiled eggs. My soldiers weren't much use.

    My favourite cookbook is one entitled, 'If you can read, you can cook'. It assumes nothing yet doesn't insult your intelligence. It's an oldie but a goodie.

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    1. Oh, so you have some good advice as well. I'm going off you lot.

      My favourite cookbook is entitled, 'If you can read this, you are too close to the cookbook - back off'.

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    2. Maybe that was a bumper-sticker...

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  10. I am so happy I eat but do not cook. May it always be so.

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    1. You sound exactly like H.I. but she still retains the capability of complaining about the food on a regular basis.

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  11. Poor nigella.... Everything seems to have gone tits up

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    1. I know. I felt really sorry for her in those photos. What a life - one minute everyone's role model, next this. Not only that, but all in the public eye of la paparazzi. This is why I have kept myself below the parapet, darling.

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