I saw this sign in a charity shop yesterday. It reminded me of the packet of complimentary nuts on board an airliner which had, 'WARNING - MAY CONTAIN NUTS' written on it.
I was in an expensive delicatessen a few years ago, and a trendy, wealthy-looking couple were perusing all the fresh cheeses and other fine comestibles on offer, as if they had enough time and money to spend all day buying everything in the shop.
As they were waiting to be served, the woman noticed a little tray of edible samples on the counter, and picked one of them up. Wordlessly and lovingly staring into the eyes of the man, she proffered it to his lips, and he opened his mouth to receive it. She popped it in with a smile.
Then she looked down at the tray again, and read the ingredients of the morsel she had just hand-fed her beloved with, which were written on a little card stuck into one of the pieces. The things were made with just about every kind of nut that can be found in the world, with a little bit of sugar to bind them together.
She turned to the man - who was still smiling blissfully at her - and screamed, "SPIT IT OUT - NOW!"
He clapped his hand over his mouth and began the undignified procedure as she screamed at the shop-keeper to show him to the toilet so he could rinse out his mouth with a few gallons of water - NOW! His face began to go a deep red and visibly swell as he ran to the back of the shop.
I didn't wait around long enough to see if an ambulance was called.
M'lud , the case for the prosecution rests
ReplyDeleteShe did look a bit like Nigella Lawson, actually.
DeleteI don't suppose you heard a loud BANG either?
ReplyDeleteThe only way they could get him out of the toilet was to pop his head.
DeleteWas he taken to the toilet by the Oompa-Loompas for squeezing like Violet Beauregarde ?
ReplyDelete.....and, did you have a lovely time in Germany ? XXXX
It was all great thanks, beside running a double circuit of Shipol airport and missing our connection...
DeleteI'm with John. Chapter 15 of "innocently" dispatching a hyper allergic (?) spouse.
ReplyDeleteShe need not have read the ingredients label, so we must give her the benefit of the doubt, as any jury would be bound to.
DeleteDear Tom,
ReplyDeleteAfter drying my tears (of laughter, sadly I have to remark - not commiseration) your story reminded me of my astonishment when I read through the booklet for Sung Eucharist in St Paul's (lovely even song!): they (really!) wrote: "We are a Fairtrade Cathedral and use fairly traded communion wine at all celebrations of the Eucharist." And on page 16 they wrote: "Those communicants requiring gluten-free wafers are asked to identify themselves to a Virger and to receive communion from the President."
I've never seen this before - but will write a post on that (hopefully not offending Vegans etc).
I bet the blood of Christ tastes just as bad, even if it is Fairtrade. Their wine is shit. As for the actual Corpus Christi, I think they should eat what they are given.
DeleteI actually have a Catholic, alcoholic woman friend in Hamburg who did really drink all the Communion wine on a Saturday night. She now plays disco in local clubs, and has given up alcohol.
DeletePeople who have allergies need to live in glass bubbles.
ReplyDeletePeople who live in glass bubbles shouldn't throw stones, or fart.
DeleteOMG!!! I have just read your answer to my comment on your previous post. I shall never again eat a chocolate mousse (I had one at lunch time today - only 94 calories and I bet 74 of those were raw egg white.)
ReplyDeleteYou're still alive, so carry on with the mousse.
Delete