Saturday 5 January 2013

Vaseline on the lense


Note to self: I must remember to wipe the tiny window on my phone camera before taking an impromptu snap such as the one above, near my workshop yesterday.

The last time I took pictures of a Christmas tree with a greasy lense was on Christmas day, and the effect was most fortuitous - all the little lights sprang star-like radials in the photo, looking like the one that the Three Kings followed all the way to the manger, but in this one - taken in raw daylight - it just produces blurred, out-of-focus patches which makes you think you need glasses.

Question to self: How can anyone be so mindlessly stupid as to cut up their enormous, natural Christmas tree, then dispose of it in the countryside whilst still leaving it in the plastic bin-liners that they used to transport it there with? If I saw someone chucking bits of natural greenery into the natural greenery to rot down with the rest of it, then I would be mildly irritated, but not so furious as when they wrap it up in non bio-degradable plastic so that it constitutes ordinary, ugly rubbish which has to be dealt with by someone else. I mean - for Christ's sake - there are special collections for Christmas trees around here, if you cannot be bothered to take it for recycling, or do not have a natural fire to burn it on as small logs. I can just about tolerate extremely stupid people (so long as they do not approach me in the pub) but I cannot stand extremely stupid people who are also extremely anti-social.

I allowed myself the luxury of staying in bed until mid-day today (I am still ill, but refuse to bore you with the details) and when I rise after sessions like this, I like nothing better than to peruse those free magazines which do not unduly stretch one's intellectual capacity when 'read' 'first thing' in the 'morning'.

So I made some coffee, then picked up the latest 'The Bath Magazine' which flopped onto our Welcome Mat yesterday afternoon. Almost the first thing I saw was this:


...and I almost choked on my coffee before donning a pair of spectacles to read that a certain musical event was about to hit the town, and the lady contributor just happened to be scratching her neck with both hands when the photo was taken. I'd book her. This is another example of how a greasy lense can work wonders with your subject matter, if you haven't already got poor eyesight from the activity that your mother warned you about.

Having focussed my eyes, I thought I might as well actually read more of the text, and - bugger me - there was the Green-Eyed Girl being praised by a local celebrity who was being interviewed by the glossy rag for some reason or other. She even spelt her name right. Fame at last.

I know at least three of the regular contributors to this mag, and one of them is a specialist on local pubs. I even met him in a pub. Actually, I have met him in more than one pub. Actually, I have lost count of the different pubs that I have met him in.

He and his partner have even written historical accounts of the pubs in Bath, most have which have disappeared in the 300 or so years since they first began serving. The loss of pubs slowed down somewhat between the wars (but has now speeded up again), but when I first came to the city, it was rumoured that you could drink in a different pub in the Bath area, every night of the week, 52 weeks in the year.  For those of you whose maths is as bad as mine, let me tell you that amounted to at least 365 pubs in the Bath area.

A pub crawl in those days was a bit like painting the Forth Bridge.

12 comments:

  1. It usually takes longer to fly-tip a mattress or Christmas tree, than it does to go to the local municipal tip.

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    1. Unfortunately, not in this town - we have the most unhelpful tip operatives in Christendom - but that's still no excuse.

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  2. This lovely ramble through the archives of your mind, Tom, is befitting someone who is just getting into the spirit of New Year and has actually stayed in bed until mid-day to prove it. (such sacrilege is unheard of in the farmer). Hope you are soon up and running normally again and have managed to get the vaseline off your lens (this is not meant as a metaphor for anything other than the innocent remark intended.)

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    1. Thank you Weave. A man goes into a pub and asks for a double entendre, so the barmaid gives him one.

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  3. Dear Tom,
    in Berlin you can put 'used' trees into the street after the 1st week in January; the binmen collect them (and hopefully their tips). A lot of people are so bone-idle that they fear bringing the tree down will exhaust them for the rest of the year.
    A Lady keeps her thoughts to herself when she sees a photo like your mag photo above - as I don't have glasses, I thought: Maybe I need glasses - can't believe my eyes. Which was right as I found out reading on.

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    1. That picture was not deliberately out of focus, but it helped.

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  4. A bigger dictonary than one holding all possible cross puzzle words should be attached to this blog. Without too much thumbing though I have learned fly-tipping is illegal dumping.

    Your picture brought to mind that miscreants here are sentenced to public service and can be seen along roadways collecting the fly-tips into black bags which are left neatly along the road for municipal collection.

    I do hope you mend soon.

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    1. A bigger what? Oh, dictionary. Anglo-Amercian one, maybe? I never thought of her as a miscreant, but yes - a public service should be forced from her. Maybe a free concert?

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  5. Is that a banana she is holding or a luminous dido ?

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  6. Being at a loss for words, but wishing to make a contribution, I wondered if Christmas trees and vaseline have ever been discussed in a single blog post before?
    Checked:
    There were only 5 hits of any description before yours and all covered 'vaseline glass' ornaments on Christmas trees. So I think we have an internet phenomenon here.

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    1. That's interesting, Katherine - it's never occurred to me to look at hits through link words, but if ever there is any hint of sex in my posts, I notice the hit-rate goes right up.

      I have actually done a post on Vaseline Glass in the past, in the form of Uranium Glass, as it is more correctly known (I think). Try typing 'Christmas trees and Vaseline' into a Google search with the parental control switched off, and you may find a lot more.

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