Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Monday, 15 October 2012
I have finally succumbed to a head-cold, having spent a couple of weeks watching H.I. coughing and spluttering without any ill effects on myself. I don't think that kissing barmaids helps, so I am not blaming her for it. Some of those barmaids are really dirty.
I am unusual for a man in that I am quite honest about the severity of any ailments I contract. I've only ever had real flu about 4 times in my life, and found it next to impossible to stand up during the time of contagion. You know when people say, "I'm STARVING", when what they mean is that they are a little peckish? Well, telling people that you have flu whilst standing in the pub holding a pint of beer is second only to that, in terms of being taken seriously.
I do seem to have a fluctuating threshold as far as pain goes, though. I have spent weeks on end grazing my knuckles in the same place whilst smashing away at a lump of stone with a four pound hammer, and usually landing the hammer straight onto my hand at full-swing at least twice a day as well, and took it all as part of a day's work, without a whimper. Then all it takes is someone to accidentally step on my toe - or just the toe of my shoe - for me to let out a blood-curdling scream.
Some dogs are like that - they make a hell of a fuss even if you look as though you might accidentally tread on them, just to stop you from actually doing it. Men are like dogs as well.
Come to think about it, men are exactly like dogs. When I think of what occupies most of my waking - and sleeping - thoughts, I cannot find any mental or spiritual difference between us at all.
True, I don't think about sex as much as the average adolescent these days, but I reckon it's still about once every 2 minutes, and when I am not doing that, I am making vague plans about ingesting nice things to eat and drink. I even have the occasional territorial spat with another bull-mastiff - usually after something nice to drink.
This is why men and dogs are to be universally pitied - we just cannot help being trapped in our earth-bound bodies, and are slaves to more masters than your average woman - or cat - not to say 'bitch' in the true meaning of the word.
Maybe I deserve to be treated as though I have flu, after all.