Monday, 15 October 2012

Dog's life


I have finally succumbed to a head-cold, having spent a couple of weeks watching H.I. coughing and spluttering without any ill effects on myself. I don't think that kissing barmaids helps, so I am not blaming her for it. Some of those barmaids are really dirty.

I am unusual for a man in that I am quite honest about the severity of any ailments I contract. I've only ever had real flu about 4 times in my life, and found it next to impossible to stand up during the time of contagion. You know when people say, "I'm STARVING", when what they mean is that they are a little peckish? Well, telling people that you have flu whilst standing in the pub holding a pint of beer is second only to that, in terms of being taken seriously.

I do seem to have a fluctuating threshold as far as pain goes, though. I have spent weeks on end grazing my knuckles in the same place whilst smashing away at a lump of stone with a four pound hammer, and usually landing the hammer straight onto my hand at full-swing at least twice a day as well, and took it all as part of a day's work, without a whimper. Then all it takes is someone to accidentally step on my toe - or just the toe of my shoe - for me to let out a blood-curdling scream.

Some dogs are like that - they make a hell of a fuss even if you look as though you might accidentally tread on them, just to stop you from actually doing it. Men are like dogs as well.

Come to think about it, men are exactly like dogs. When I think of what occupies most of my waking - and sleeping - thoughts, I cannot find any mental or spiritual difference between us at all.

True, I don't think about sex as much as the average adolescent these days, but I reckon it's still about once every 2 minutes, and when I am not doing that, I am making vague plans about ingesting nice things to eat and drink. I even have the occasional territorial spat with another bull-mastiff - usually after something nice to drink.

This is why men and dogs are to be universally pitied - we just cannot help being trapped in our earth-bound bodies, and are slaves to more masters than your average woman - or cat - not to say 'bitch' in the true meaning of the word.

Maybe I deserve to be treated as though I have flu, after all.

27 comments:

  1. I'm just entered my FOURTH week of what Lady M amusingly (to her) calls Man Flu. I'm becoming bad tempered and easily riled. You have my sympathy My Stephenson.

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    Replies
    1. For I'm, read I've. And for My, read Mr. I told you I was ill.

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    2. I wasn't asking for appeals to sympathy, I have my own agenda.

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    3. But thanks anyway. Sorry I don't have the energy to return it.

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  2. People I encounter in public places who tell me they have 'flu are met with the response
    'well what are you doing here giving it to me, then?'

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    Replies
    1. That's what I say to people with STDs.

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  3. You guys should just man up.

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  4. I like old dogs ...
    but that picture is disturbing.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, Dobermans are bad enough, but gay ones are even worse.

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    2. Intelligent gay ones are even worse than that.

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    3. I just thought that the Doberman looked intelligent and gay, that's all. Some of Man's best friends are dogs, after all.

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  5. You do, you do. Beddybies with a hot toddy of whisky, lemon, sugar and honey and a hottie bottle. Take the dog to keep you warm.

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    Replies
    1. That's what caused it in the first place, and that's no way to talk about H.I.

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  6. Yes and I saw you pissing up that lamp-post not to mention doing your 'other' business in the street too.

    Honestly, doesn't your owner have the common courtesy to clean up after you Tom?

    Now go and chew your basket.

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  7. If you saw the state of my basket, you wouldn't chew it either.

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  8. Tom, where did you get that picture from? It's giving me the creeps. The eyes keep following me around the room. I know you don't want sympathy for your head cold but it's a bit rotten all the same and I hope you feel better soon.

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  9. Lots of people snivelling and snuffling here, too. I'm doing my best to keep healthy.

    As for dogs and men being so much alike, i agree to a point, although i've met many more bad-tempered men than dogs.

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  10. Yer dog looks like it's been cross bred with a Bath Chap?

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    Replies
    1. Tastier than a Bath Chap. I like dogs, but - like Muslims - I never kiss them. Maybe that's why I've got a cold.

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  11. you have been stressed...hence the cold.....
    keep warm, rest and no alcohol for 36 hours

    well it's only advice xx

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  12. I once did read somewhere that the secret of a happy marriage is to treat your husband like a puppy. It didn't elaborate on puppies with the sniffels, though.

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    Replies
    1. If anyone treated me like a puppy (it has been tried) then I would be off on a different scent.

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