Friday 1 June 2012

Yankee go home


I am not having a very good day so far.  I've got a bit of a hangover from last night, which turned out to be a bit of a party after we ran into friends and relatives whilst smoking outside a mediocre Sardinian restaurant here.

The place had been recommended by a friend, but as soon as we got into the restaurant, I remembered that my friend was never known for his taste in culinary matters.  I didn't eat much, but drank quite a lot of Sardinian rose, which didn't help.

Seated by the window were an American gay couple, and when a waiter opened the door which lead to the corridor which lead to the main entrance some distance away, the old queen of the couple insisted that he closed it again, just in case someone in the city of Bath happened to be smoking a cigarette, and a molecule of smoke became caught on the breeze to find it's way to his super-sensitive nostrils.

His exact words were,  "We have a right to clean air!"  I ignored him for the time being, but it was stuffy in the room, and we all could have done with a bit of fresh air, clean or otherwise.

The old queen's boyfriend was a hugely tall, somewhat younger man who looked like a cross between Lou Reed and Frankenstein's monster.  I guessed him to be about 45 years old, and they both pecked away at the food as the old boy wittered on about God knows what.

Eventually, I payed the bill and we left the place and that is where we ran into H.I.'s daughter, her fiance and another couple who were out on the town.  I had lit a cigarette whilst outside, and looked around to see the old queen frantically waving his hand in front of his face, trying to tell me to put the cigarette out or move at least a mile away from him.  Bear in mind that there was a closed window between me and him, and I was on the exterior side of it.

All six of us were smoking at the time, so I called the other five over and got them to stand next to me and ostentatiously blow smoke skyward next the closed window, which was about 15 feet away on the other side of some basement railings.

The old queen suddenly became very abusive, and started to make hand gestures which suggested that I was giving the other two men a blow-job, so I threw down the cigarette and went back into the restaurant.

I went over to the two gay's table and asked them where they came from.  'California', they said.  I replied that I guessed as much, since it was the Americans who introduced vast quantities of tobacco into Britain, and it was the Californians who were the first to ban smoking anywhere in public.  I mentioned that they had got their way in restaurants and pubs in this country, but suggested that if they wanted smoke-free streets as well, then they should just fuck off back to California where they belonged.  Those were my very words, including the swearing, and the last few of them were said in rather a loud voice.

The younger of the two then stood up and started toward me saying,  "Ok mister - time to go".  I was really looking forward to seeing if he actually could physically get me out of the door, but before he could try, an Italian waiter came over and got hold of him, pushing him back in his seat and saying that he would deal with the situation.  Damn.  I would have liked to have floored him.

With a broad smile on his face, the waiter asked me if I wouldn't mind leaving now and I politely agreed to do so.  We walked to the street outside, and the waiter apologised to me for the gay couple's blatant rudeness and arrogance and we spent a few minutes laughing and chatting about how absolutely horrible some American tourists were.  It's the same in Israel, apparently - the obnoxious Jewish ones swank around the place as if they owned it, but I suppose in their little minds they do.

It is people like this that really test me when it comes to anti-Americanism and homophobia.  I went to bed last night with a fair amount of both coursing through my system, and there is still a trace of it left in me today.  I hate losing my sense of humour.




23 comments:

  1. Well I hope you're feeling better today, Tom. Go have a smoke - it'll relax you!!! :)

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    1. I didn't mention the whole of the morning trying set up a new router, did I? I gave up and plugged in the old one which now seems to work again... grr...

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  2. Love how your group were blowing smoke at those fellows. I can just imagine it...childish but very funny. Hope your humour returns. xx

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    1. Well we weren't actually blowing smoke AT them just making a great show of how much we were enjoying ourselves in the freedom of an English street. And they say that the USA is the land of the free - bollocks!

      When they started to ban smoking there in the late 1970s, there were bumper-stickers which said "Even Communists have the freedom to smoke". How true that was.

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  3. When you're 'probably' the most disliked people on earth, it might be better to keep the very worst ones at home, rather than the reputation going down even further! I've met some real humdingers!

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    1. That's the exact opposite of Cuba's policy - they sent all the worst to the USA a few years ago!

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  4. P.S. - I just looked at the little line-graph which shows hit statistics for this blog, and it has just displayed a steep down-turn! Must be from the USA.

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    1. Of course, personally I adore all Americans; including George W Boosh.

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    2. In general, I like all Americans about as much as they like us Brits. We all have our little foibles, but I would dearly love to keep our foibles British, despite the fact that a lot of ours are very unpleasant indeed. They seem to hate the Brits for their perceived sense of superiority, and we feel the same about them. It's a good job that neither of us can no longer afford to export our outlook on life to other countries these days.

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    3. Cigarettes in NYC were $13/pack a year or two ago. I quit then--not because of the price, as I didn't smoke much, but because every asshole thought they could tell you what to do. I mean there are some buildings in NYC that won't sell or rent to smokers. Meanwhile the fucking criminal bankers on Wall Street aren't even subject to investigation much less prosecution. Oh well, the little experiment in "democracy" was fun while it lasted. I'm sorry you didn't get the chance to clock the guy.

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    4. 13? Blimey. I never knew. I think I would have stopped ages ago, were it not for all those assholes telling me I should.

      The only place that it is legal to smoke whilst having a beer here now is the Bars of the Houses of Parliament - you know, the place where they make the laws.

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    5. It's $13 in NYC because Mayor Bloomberg is a fascist asshole. It's cheaper in the south, because life is cheaper there. A few bars and cafes can alow smoking under some rather stringent rules. New York City is a lot less fun and interesting now. Not saying the smoking ban is the reason, but Bloomberg takes a lot of the blame. Have a puff for me. Right now, I must admit, I'm really missing them.

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    6. It's $13 in NYC because Mayor Bloomberg is a fascist asshole. It's cheaper in the south, because life is cheaper there. A few bars and cafes can alow smoking under some rather stringent rules. New York City is a lot less fun and interesting now. Not saying the smoking ban is the reason, but Bloomberg takes a lot of the blame. Have a puff for me. Right now, I must admit, I'm really missing them.

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  5. My Turn.........It is getting bad all over the US for smoking. Two towns here in NC have banned smoking on the sidewalks. Period! After being kicked out of a sidewalk cafe )outside), and spending $110 a week on cigs, I went to the electric form. Haven't smoked tobacco in a year. And to be honest, if I knew what my body smelled like to others, I would have quit long ago.

    But, I condemn no one for there habits, even smack!

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    1. Well said, Grouch. You must have been a very serious smoker to have spent $110 a week in the States! I think cigarettes are a lot cheaper over there than they are here - I roll tobacco, but a packet of 20 costs about $10. I have one friend here who has just stopped smoking, and now he lectures others on giving up, so I am going to have to kill him. They have not yet banned smoking in the street here, but it is only a matter of time. We have fake policemen in Bath, and one of them fined H.I. £70 for dropping a butt into the gutter a few months ago.

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    2. perhaps, instead of habit, I should have said addiction. The nicotine received by the electric cig gives me the same effect as what I was needing from the tobacco. I even do it on airplanes, so I never dread a 10 hour flight from Barcelona to Atlanta!

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    4. Oh, what was that? I didn't get to it in time.

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  6. Costa Rica has just banned smoking in public places...even standing at the bus stop.

    I have the impression it's more about trying to scrape up money than about health since the Constitutional Court threw out the proposed tax legislation.

    Plenty of North Americans here...still trying to impose their outlook on life. Not appreciated by the locals. Or by me.

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    1. I think the U.S. Christians still have the funds to export freedom. (I sound as if I am trying to offend as many people as possible here, but that's not my intention... honest).

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    2. I guess as an American I should be offended, but I'm not. I am an ex-smoker and I have never made anyone feel like they have to go elsewhere with their smoking habit, I could certainly relocate my arse if it was bothering me. Arrogance and bad manners aren't limited to the US or California, (although, secretly...I think CA has a huge share of that) it's sprinkled about liberally. Being a country gal, we constantly complain about the rudeness of "big city" dwellers, they just seem to grate on our nerves with their attitude. Respect must be given before it can be received....That's my mantra.
      Bravo for calling your disrespectful diner, I would have loved to watch.

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    3. Well don't be offended, Kelly. If I hear about certain Brits behaving badly on holiday in, say, Turkey, then I know exactly why they are hated for their behaviour. I have sen them in action, and they are like football hooligans. The worst tourists of the lot are French schoolchildren, in my experience.

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