Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Sunday, 13 May 2012
Quiz and a jolly wheeze
What was this piece of kit used for? 5 points for a correct answer.
While you are pondering that (unless you already have a set like it, and use it on a regular basis), I'll tell you about a simple idea I had the other day which - if I went through with it - would make me world famous in a matter of minutes, without having to go to the trouble of shooting hundreds of innocent school-children.
On May 22nd, the Olympic flame will pass through our fair city, borne aloft by a proud runner who will pass extremely close to our compact but adorable city apartment. I know this, because they have put up signs saying as much, and warning that the roads will be closed for the duration.
All I need to do is visit the local toy shop and buy one of those enormous and enormously powerful water-pistols - well, water-rifles actually - called 'Super-Soakers', fill it up, lean out of the window at the right time, then douse the flame completely out as soon as it gets within range. Simple but effective, and nobody gets hurt.
Well, almost nobody. If I am not instantly shot by a police sniper, then they would probably kick our door down, rush upstairs, taser me before bundling me into the back of a van, pummel me into a bloody mess before decanting me into a police cell for 'resisting arrest', keep me languishing at Her Majesty's Pleasure under the Terrorism Act before hauling me up before a judge at Bristol Crown Court, then either sentence me to 15 year's hard labour in Dartmoor or sending me off indefinitely to Guantanamo Bay in an orange jump-suit.
I've just talked myself out of the idea, but I may have considered it if I had no family and a terminal disease which only gave me a few weeks to live - a bit like Jack Ruby.
Thinking ahead, I wonder what they would do under such circumstances - I mean the circumstances which produced the dousing of the flame, not my punishment/s.
Would they have to go back to Mount Olympus and start the whole proceedings all over again? Would it mean dragging a few Greek housewives out of their kitchens and getting them to dress up in white, pleated skirts and adopt ridiculous and uncomfortable positions in the heat whilst someone messes about with a concave mirror until the tinder fires up again, and they start the long run back to London, hoping that nobody will try to pull the same stunt amidst the heightened security which takes into consideration the possibility of practical jokes, and not just terrorist attacks?
I seem to remember an event in Bath (Commonwealth Games?) when they got a retired athlete to actually throw the flame up into the massive bowl to ignite the gas-jet, and the fool missed it by miles. Miraculously, the giant flame still burst into life though. I - and the rest of the world - suspected cheating involving one of those high-voltage clicky things which we use to fire up our cookers every night.
They once asked an Olympic organiser who was responsible for the Eternal Flame, what would happen if it were to go out. The official said that it would NOT got out, so they asked again, saying 'Yes, but what would you do if it did?' His voice - when he replied again - made it clear that this would be the last time he was going to answer this hypothetical question when he said, "Listen to me. The flame is NOT going to go out. Alright?"