Sunday, 13 May 2012

Quiz and a jolly wheeze


What was this piece of kit used for?  5 points for a correct answer.

While you are pondering that (unless you already have a set like it, and use it on a regular basis), I'll tell you about a simple idea I had the other day which - if I went through with it - would make me world famous in a matter of minutes, without having to go to the trouble of shooting hundreds of innocent school-children.

On May 22nd, the Olympic flame will pass through our fair city, borne aloft by a proud runner who will pass extremely close to our compact but adorable city apartment.  I know this, because they have put up signs saying as much, and warning that the roads will be closed for the duration.

All I need to do is visit the local toy shop and buy one of those enormous and enormously powerful water-pistols - well, water-rifles actually - called 'Super-Soakers', fill it up, lean out of the window at the right time, then douse the flame completely out as soon as it gets within range.  Simple but effective, and nobody gets hurt.

Well, almost nobody.  If I am not instantly shot by a police sniper, then they would probably kick our door down, rush upstairs, taser me before bundling me into the back of a van, pummel me into a bloody mess before decanting me into a police cell for 'resisting arrest', keep me languishing at Her Majesty's Pleasure under the Terrorism Act before hauling me up before a judge at Bristol Crown Court, then either sentence me to 15 year's hard labour in Dartmoor or sending me off indefinitely to Guantanamo Bay in an orange jump-suit.

I've just talked myself out of the idea, but I may have considered it if I had no family and a terminal disease which only gave me a few weeks to live - a bit like Jack Ruby.

Thinking ahead, I wonder what they would do under such circumstances - I mean the circumstances which produced the dousing of the flame, not my punishment/s.

Would they have to go back to Mount Olympus and start the whole proceedings all over again?  Would it mean dragging a few Greek housewives out of their kitchens and getting them to dress up in white, pleated skirts and adopt ridiculous and uncomfortable positions in the heat whilst someone messes about with a concave mirror until the tinder fires up again, and they start the long run back to London, hoping that nobody will try to pull the same stunt amidst the heightened security which takes into consideration the possibility of practical jokes, and not just terrorist attacks?

I seem to remember an event in Bath (Commonwealth Games?) when they got a retired athlete to actually throw the flame up into the massive bowl to ignite the gas-jet, and the fool missed it by miles.  Miraculously, the giant flame still burst into life though.  I - and the rest of the world - suspected cheating involving one of those high-voltage clicky things which we use to fire up our cookers every night.

They once asked an Olympic organiser who was responsible for the Eternal Flame, what would happen if it were to go out.  The official said that it would NOT got out, so they asked again, saying  'Yes, but what would you do if it did?'  His voice - when he replied again - made it clear that this would be the last time he was going to answer this hypothetical question when he said,  "Listen to me.  The flame is NOT going to go out.  Alright?"


22 comments:

  1. What law would Plod charge you with? Incitement to Extinguish Fire Act of 2012, maybe? In which case all fire stations would also have to close down. No, I'd go for it, but do put up a few advertising hoardings first.

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    1. That's why I mentioned the Terrorism Act, Cro. Looking on the not-so-light-hearted side, they could justify shooting me on the grounds that they believed the Super-Soaker to be filled with something a little more volatile than water. It's a nasty thought, but someone has to think it.

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  2. You could always get transported to the antipodes.

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  3. Neither of you got any ideas about the contraption in the photo? I'll give you a clue: You are not allowed - and nor have you ever been, actually - to use it in pubs these days.

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  4. The kit is for speciman collecting of the tissue type. Once the inebriated were fully asleep the angry wife would commence the tissue removal with the large bore needle, depositing it in the little glass holders and then for good meassure would blow a little air up the beloved's a$$. All because he once again spent the rent money on a few pints. Just a guess.

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    1. How does a set of bellows work with a hydrometer? Anyway, no.

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    2. Oh, I've just worked out the link between pubs and hydrometers - sorry.

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  6. Super soakers, young grandchilden and a hot afternoon. They learn life skills before they need a bath and supper.

    Sherlock Holmes' cocaine cooker?

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  7. In case you don't see my reply, it's The Tobacco Smoke Enema. I don't want there to be a Stewards Inquiry in case you didn't see my answer !.....it was meant to help resuscitation in drowning victims which led to the phrase ' to blow smoke up one's arse ! 5 points to me I think !

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  8. Yes, congratulations to you Jacqueline, and five points are winging their way towards the archives - just for you!

    Amazing to think that blowing tobacco smoke up your arse was actually good for you. How times change, eh?

    P.S. You better keep a record of how many points you have scored, because I certainly won't.

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    1. I think that I have 85,283 points now. Please make a note because what do points make ? .......

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  9. I'm late with my blog reading, but i knew from the start it was a set of bellows. I know, no gold star as late comers miss all the goodies.

    I'll console myself now with going back and reading the comments replete with your witty repartee.

    megan

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    1. It takes real imagination to work out where you stick one end of the bellows, though - or what Sir Walter Raleigh's weed was used for. Jack@ has that sort of insight, unless I forgot to take the I.D. tag off the photo...

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