Thursday 22 June 2017

A fine pair (pear - gedditt?!)


The temperature has gone down, Cro is ranting about juvenile delinquents, Rachel is wandering the lanes of Norfolk on heat and John is quietly tugging himself off in a darkened cinema, so all is well with the world again.

I had a successful day yesterday at the same time as almost enjoying myself. I had to work out some problems with a basic design for a carved stone detail and decided to do the work in the open air rather than sit around sweltering in our flat in town.

I suggested that H.I. come with me but she was almost deranged through heat exhaustion, so when she finally agreed it was like stuffing a cat into a box to take it to the vet.

Sitting under a tree next to the river in the old orchard of Iford Manor (IFORD MANOR, HATTATTS! Jesus, what else do I have to do to get your attention?!), listening to the water babbling over rocks in the shallows wasn't really much cooler then elsewhere, but it certainly had a calming effect.

My design problem was to do with a couple of massive stone roundels depicting Autumn and Winter in a set of Four Seasons motifs. The original (19th century) sculptor resolved the centres of Spring and Summer by simply sticking a flower in the middle of each, but I don't know if he ever resolved the problems of Autumn and Winter, because they do not exist. This is why I have been commissioned to make up the full set.

I mentioned the aesthetic problem to the young mason who will be carving them and he asked why I didn't just stick a flower in the middle of both of them like the original designer did. I pointed out that Autumn and Winter in the Northern Hemisphere are not known for a profusion of flowers in the countryside, and Christmas Poinsettias from South Africa would not be appropriate.

He suggested asking the advice of the head gardener, at which point the heat got to me and I asked in turn how the hell the head gardener would be able to help. Even if I did not already know about the shameful lack of flowers during the Winter months in Britain, did he not think that I had the entire interweb at my disposal to confirm my suspicions?

In the peace of the orchard yesterday, I resolved the problems of Winter and Autumn by putting pears in the middle of Autumn and a bunch of mistletoe in Winter.

Even though the designs are mirrored left to right, I have decided on three pears in the centre of Autumn, because two would instantly remind everyone of a large pair of testicles dangling rudely and offensively in front of their faces, and I wish to continue to work for my current clients.

17 comments:

  1. Did you consider a few acorns for Autumn?

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    1. BTW Jane liked my Poppies on Instagram last night.

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    2. So I have to join Instagram? I don't want to. They are your neighbours these days for half the year, aren't they?

      I didn't think of acorns. I could include some to go with the hazelnuts. Thanks for the suggestion.

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    3. I didn't mean that you have to join Instagram. I just meant Jane's around, in Buda at the moment I think.

      Did you mention Hazelnuts? Acorns seem very Autumny to me.

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  2. How about two conkers and an eel; reasonably autumnal.

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  3. Mistletoe for a northern hemisphere winter is grand, and I'm pleased you resolved the autumn.

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  4. AUTUMN: apples, damsons, medlars, pears, quince, plums, chestnuts, elderberries, artichoke, aubergine, fennel, garlic, watercress, celeriac, pumpkin.cobnuts.
    WINTER: Apple, Blood Orange, Clementine,
    Cranberry, Grapes, Kiwi, Kumquat, Mandarin Orange, Passion Fruit, Pear, Persimmon, Pomegranate, Pummelo, Sweet Orange, Tangelo, Tangerine, hellebore, mistletoe ..... XXXX

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    1. Autumn - fine if I had the space for all of your suggestions, except for the watercress, fennel and certain other irrelevant produce.

      Winter - all but two of your suggestions are not indigenous to our island, let alone in the 19th century. Ok, the house does have a heated orangery, but the produce does not really reflect the English countryside in an ordinary environment does it?

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    2. I was just giving you some choices, that's all !!! XXXX

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    3. No, you were giving a Spaniard, a Persian, a North African, an Israeli and a Chinaman some choices for the same job.

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  5. I would like to see a sketch of this design. Also I would like names to the people in the photograph.

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    1. Well Weave, it's more than my job is worth to send you a sketch before my client has seen any, and I find this extremely frustrating but that;s juts how it is. I would love to show you about 15 years worth of pictures, but I have signed agreements stating that I will not. Far right in the photo is Lance, middle is Jane and the left person whose name escapes me, but it is something like Quentin Fartleberry - who knows, but that will do. I wish I had him for a son-in-law, my life would be so much better.

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  6. Good thinking about the number of pears!

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    1. I see you are good at visual calculations, Iris.

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