Saturday 1 May 2021

What you see is what you get


People don't change. They don't get either better or worse as they grow up and grow old. They just get more like they were when their personalities had fully developed. Nature or nurture? A bit of each.

Would you ever dream of marrying someone who you believe will change for the better when the wedding is over? Of course you wouldn't, but many people do.

My friend Colin was an appalling snob, but he was universally liked - and even loved - by almost everyone he met, mainly because he acknowledged his snobbery as if it were a disease. He derived humour from recognising his condition for what it was - a harmless and silly set of prejudices which had been out of place since the days of his favourite author, P.G. Wodehouse.

He was of a particular class from a particular generation who professed to despise Germans ('Huns') and homosexuals, then found himself in later years with a gay German man as a very dear friend. He thought that was very ironic.

I have never met anyone who has contradicted my initial impressions gained within the first minute or two of meeting them, and I am not a particularly good judge of character. I think we all have an instinctive ability to accurately gauge the measure of someone at the first meeting, and we all have the same inability to hide our innermost selves from others. 

It is just a question of who you choose to like and why you choose to like them. I like open, unguarded people who are not afraid of showing their true selves. I tend to dislike people who lack a sense of humour, but not always.

The widespread use of Tinder as a dating app makes me realise that arranged marriages are not as bad as I used to think they were. I know quite a few people who have met the love of their life through it.

20 comments:

  1. Yes Tom, I know a few marriages like that which have worked. I must have been extraordinarily lucky in that both of my marriages were extremely happy (thirty nine years and then twenty three years) and in both cases I think I made my mind up quite quite quickly that this was the right man for me.

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    1. I think that you were lucky Weave, and that thought makes me glad.

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  2. You sound like a very good judge of character Tom.

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    1. I may have known what I was always letting myself in for, maybe.

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  3. He looks like geography teacher

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    1. Well he was actually teaching geography at the time. We were standing on a piece of land overlooking the Longleat estate.

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    2. He finished his working life as the owner of a wine bar.

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  4. Colin reminds me of the upper-class "Broughtons" in Julian Fellowes' novel Snobs. I love P.G. Wodehouse and can just imagine what he's like. I'd probably enjoy his company....at least for a few minutes.

    First impressions are nearly almost dead on. Any time I've ever doubted a bad first impression I had of someone I ended up regretting it later.

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    1. My brother was a very poor confidence trickster, but somehow he got away with it over and over again. It is all to do with getting people to doubt themselves.

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  5. People that present themselves in a "what you see is what you get" manner generally indicates a very genuine person. I also like quirky people. Not off the deep end but quirky is great. Genuine plus quirky is a good combination.

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    1. Mild but genuine eccentrics are usually very charming. Extreme fake ones are a pain in the arse.

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    2. Real eccentrics don't know they are eccentric. You can't fake it.

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  6. Those dating apps scare me. Someone can 'present' as anyone s/he wants. In the end, I'd always prefer to meet the person face to face. I don't know if I'm what you would call a good judge of character, but I generally am pretty good at spotting the baddies in fairly short order. My biggest mistake is accepting people at face value because someone else thinks they're fine people. I have learned the hard way. Never base your own judgements using someone else's assessment.

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    1. You can't marry by app as far as I know. Nothing changes. You don't have to marry your first date, so why worry?

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  7. There are some real weirdos out there.

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  8. I’m not so sure that it’s as cut and dried as that for me. I usually know if I’m not keen on someone when I first meet them but have also known some who have surprised me, not in a good way, after many years. As I’ve got older, I’m a little more wary about people that I meet, which is a bit sad. XXXX

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    1. Yes, there is a difference between peoples behaviour under testing circumstances and everyday stuff. Money changes a lot of people.

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  9. I do like eccentrics and those whom I call Blurters, the truth tellers. They just can't help themselves but blurt out the truth and I love them for that. But I also love friends who are judicious with their words ... listening to their cogs grind around before they speak in haste. Dad is like that and he rarely has a bad word to say about anyone.

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    1. I tend towards blurting. I inherited the trait from my mother. Truth games can destroy relationships though, so I have tried to tone it down over the years.

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