Bring back rubbish dumps I say

Something a bit strange is happening to me. I seem to be changing my dominant eye.

You have to be conscious of which of your eyes is the dominant one if you shoot guns. The way you confirm it is to point at an object with both eyes open, then close your right eye. If your right one is the dominant, your finger will appear to shift to the right. Most people are right eyed in the same way that most are right handed.

This morning I was lining up a speck of dirt on the kitchen window with the breast of a large gull which was sitting on the opposite wall, when I suddenly became aware that I was using my left eye. I don't know whether this is a brain thing or an eye thing, but most bits of my body are starting to do things which they have never done before.

At this time of year, many people would like to line up an actual gunsight with the breast of at least one gull, particularly the residents of the Hilton Hotel, who cannot sleep with the windows open after about 3.30 am.

It used to be said that the best view of Bath was from the Hilton Hotel, because it is the only place in that vicinity where you cannot see it. The Hilton is a hideously ugly, boring block of concrete blocks which would not look out of place in Legoland. It was built in the late 60s or maybe 1970 as a convenient roosting place for broody gulls.

Back then the gull population was quite small, but news of all the waste food scattered about the streets quickly spread down to the South Coast and gulls began to take up residence 80 miles away from their natural habitat. They soon became a problem and before long people were writing letters to the local newspaper demanding a cull.

There would be no cull because they are a protected species which mate for life, and life in many cases can mean 35 years. The city elders thought long and hard over the problem and decided to massively cut down of littering from late-night food outlets and domestic rubbish bags which were torn open by the gulls in their hunt for sustenance. Reusable gull-proof bags were issued and owners of fast food outlets were warned to clear up.

The old area of Southgate (near the railway station) was demolished to make way for a huge shopping complex and all the gulls which used to roost on the roofs of the previous one moved a few hundred yards North to take up residence in the city centre, doubling the population overnight.

Farming techniques have changed and there are no longer any open rubbish tips for gulls to forage, so all the town gulls are becoming increasingly desperate as they compete with each other for food.

They have begun to snatch ice creams and hot dogs from the hands of tourists and locals and the other day I saw one catch a feral pigeon and spend quite a long time bashing it to death on the pavement outside our vegetarian grocer before ripping it apart to feed its hungry young.

Red Kites are moving ever closer to town. I wonder what they are going to eat when they get here. In Reading people actually feed them every day but in Bath this would be impossible without causing even more gull-related misery.