Confessions of an Afghani camel's arse-rag sniffer

Since I have now given up any ambition I might have had to become Prime Minister of Great Britain, I think I can give you the benefit of my reasonably long history of drug-taking in a vain attempt to relieve the boredom of a meaningless and wretched existence. I don't mean the telling of it will be an attempt to relieve the boredom. That would be too much to ask. Think of this as an 'all you wanted to know about drugs but were too afraid to ask' type post.

When I was about 10, I used to buy a bottle of surgical spirit and lean out of the window of our large Surrey house, sniffing it. I honestly believed that I liked the smell, but in reality I think it was a way of combatting my extreme dread and fear of hospitals, which all used to smell of surgical spirit in those days. Whatever the motive, I think it must have been the beginning of my life-long flirtation with alcohol of any sort. Thank God I didn't drink it.

Unlike all my school friends, I didn't seriously smoke tobacco until I was about 25, but began smoking hashish in it at 15. This carried on for about 50 years. At one point the first thing I did when I woke up was smoke a joint. It was also the last thing I did before going to sleep. Verdict: Smoking dope is the only way you can actually waste time that I can think of. I wasted about 20 years as far as I can remember.

Skunk. Verdict: If you really want to take care of your mental health and avoid psychosis as far as you possibly can, don't smoke skunk.

Then I spent about 5 years taking strong LSD every weekend. Verdict: Wait until your ego has fully developed before taking acid. You may need it in later life.

During middle-age I tried some of the rave-type drugs such as MDMA. Verdict: Don't think you can destroy your ego with LSD and get away with taking MDMA without some unfortunate repercussions in later life. Verdict: MDMA is the second most efficient way of wasting time. It is also a good way of destroying your short-term memory, which is why I have attached 2 verdicts to one drug.

I had base speed (amphetamine) just the once, and a lot in one go. I didn't leave the house for 3 days afterwards and it hurt to smile. Verdict: Just don't.

Oh, I almost forgot. I have had loads of cocaine, but I don't do it any more. Much. Verdict: You are not as interesting and scintillating as you might think. Neither is anyone else.

I have intermittently had opium over all these years, but  - thankfully - it is next to impossible to get hold of now, so I never developed a problem. Verdict: You can have too much of a good thing.

I gave up smoking tobacco about 3 years ago. I was - and still am - a proper addict. I now inhale 99% pure nicotine vapour which, I am told, is pretty much harmless to the system. Verdict: You know what the verdict is. Everyone's been telling you for years.

The two drugs I have - deliberately - never had, are crack and heroin. I have seen a lot of people destroy themselves with crack. Crack addicts would steal from their own children. Verdict: Don't. No really. Don't.

I am saving heroin or morphine for the last few weeks of a painful terminal illness when it will not matter if I become addicted.

There you have it. Any questions?