Tuesday, 16 October 2018
Unfinished business
Since the Spring, I have felt like a gatecrasher.
For the last 66 years I have been walking around as if the world belonged to me, but now I go outside looking over my shoulder for something which has sniffed me out and intends to challenge my right to be here. A blind thing is seeking me out. It wants to evict me from forests, coasts, towns and cities - anywhere which I have snuck into uninvited and unsubscribed. I feel furtive for the first time in my life. I really don't deserve to be here without the permission of the owners.
I intend to leave gracefully with no fuss, but not quite yet.
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Old age creeping in?
ReplyDeleteIt's more than that. This is only half the picture.
DeleteOh. Sorry.
DeleteSeeing good where you might have only seen bad can rub off and you can feel better about yourself. If this is wrong I am sorry again. I fear for saying the wrong thing.
DeleteThat's ok. It is more to do with a perfect storm which is brewing up, and I do not expect to survive it.
DeleteFor me it's the opposite, when I was young the world was a pretty scary place for me, now a little less.
ReplyDeleteYou got it the right way round, Yael. I don't like to think of you as a scared child, but I don't like to think of any child as scared.
DeleteTo exact your full meaning Tom this needs writing as a poem! Fear not - as Rachel says - old age is creeping in. I have suffered from it for a long time now - I call it lack of confidence and I fight it tooth and nail.
ReplyDeleteI wish it was a poem.
DeleteTom, the world is growing cruel, with no consequence. A blind thing, seeking to evict you from your world. It's the nameless thing I felt back in the fifties, when I was first becoming a teenager and an adult. "Whatever you say, say nothing, when you talk about you know what." It was my mother silencing me so she could hear the radio, "Don't you know there's a war going on!" (The Korean War). It was my dad telling me Eisenhower was building the interstate highways to move troupes. You know how that ended--a generation took charge. We're looking for the next generation. I don't know.
ReplyDeleteTo me it seems more personal.
DeleteI have felt like this all of my life and still do. I feel guilty for "taking up space on the planet" as my daughter said.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what the answer is. I think it's quite common really. Chin up.
My reasons for feeling like this are mainly to do with my inability to cope with changing circumstances. I really need a plan B.
DeleteI feel like Yael.
ReplyDeleteThe older I get, the stronger I become, yeah - and I like (!) now to fight back.
I understand exactly what you say, Tom - and I feel the attempts of "them" too - but (till now) I am still smarter (e.g. last year in October I worked as a "silver-model" at a show on the Ku-damm - so: still not invisible)
Yet I see - especially in the man's world - the difficulties of prevailing against the pack of wolves. Can only try to encourage, and support a fighting mood. Attack (not with fists - with your knowledge and brain)
I am working on a plan B, but there are certain things I cannot fight. The perfect storm is the conjunction of external factors which affect everyone, and internal ones which affect about 50% of everyone. I have no problems with invisibility. I have made a living from it.
DeleteYour cup seems half empty at the moment.
ReplyDeleteOnly one hour ago things took a big turn for the better. It's back to half full again. I wish I could give you the full picture - actually I don't.
DeleteWell it is good that things have improved whatever.
DeleteI am sorry that things are so difficult. I do think that the current horrendous political situation is making things a lot harder for people who also have other things to think about. Which may or may not be relevant to you.
ReplyDeleteThings are a lot better for me than many others, it's true. I am just a worrier.
DeleteEeeeewas this a load of gibberish bollocks?
ReplyDeleteNo. You are just too much of an idiot to know what it was.
Delete