Tuesday 16 October 2018

Unfinished business


Since the Spring, I have felt like a gatecrasher.

For the last 66 years I have been walking around as if the world belonged to me, but now I go outside looking over my shoulder for something which has sniffed me out and intends to challenge my right to be here. A blind thing is seeking me out. It wants to evict me from forests, coasts, towns and cities - anywhere which I have snuck into uninvited and unsubscribed. I feel furtive for the first time in my life. I really don't deserve to be here without the permission of the owners.

I intend to leave gracefully with no fuss, but not quite yet.

22 comments:

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    1. It's more than that. This is only half the picture.

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    2. Seeing good where you might have only seen bad can rub off and you can feel better about yourself. If this is wrong I am sorry again. I fear for saying the wrong thing.

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    3. That's ok. It is more to do with a perfect storm which is brewing up, and I do not expect to survive it.

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  2. For me it's the opposite, when I was young the world was a pretty scary place for me, now a little less.

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    1. You got it the right way round, Yael. I don't like to think of you as a scared child, but I don't like to think of any child as scared.

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  3. To exact your full meaning Tom this needs writing as a poem! Fear not - as Rachel says - old age is creeping in. I have suffered from it for a long time now - I call it lack of confidence and I fight it tooth and nail.

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  4. Tom, the world is growing cruel, with no consequence. A blind thing, seeking to evict you from your world. It's the nameless thing I felt back in the fifties, when I was first becoming a teenager and an adult. "Whatever you say, say nothing, when you talk about you know what." It was my mother silencing me so she could hear the radio, "Don't you know there's a war going on!" (The Korean War). It was my dad telling me Eisenhower was building the interstate highways to move troupes. You know how that ended--a generation took charge. We're looking for the next generation. I don't know.

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  5. I have felt like this all of my life and still do. I feel guilty for "taking up space on the planet" as my daughter said.
    I don't know what the answer is. I think it's quite common really. Chin up.

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    1. My reasons for feeling like this are mainly to do with my inability to cope with changing circumstances. I really need a plan B.

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  6. I feel like Yael.
    The older I get, the stronger I become, yeah - and I like (!) now to fight back.
    I understand exactly what you say, Tom - and I feel the attempts of "them" too - but (till now) I am still smarter (e.g. last year in October I worked as a "silver-model" at a show on the Ku-damm - so: still not invisible)
    Yet I see - especially in the man's world - the difficulties of prevailing against the pack of wolves. Can only try to encourage, and support a fighting mood. Attack (not with fists - with your knowledge and brain)

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    1. I am working on a plan B, but there are certain things I cannot fight. The perfect storm is the conjunction of external factors which affect everyone, and internal ones which affect about 50% of everyone. I have no problems with invisibility. I have made a living from it.

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  7. Your cup seems half empty at the moment.

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    1. Only one hour ago things took a big turn for the better. It's back to half full again. I wish I could give you the full picture - actually I don't.

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    2. Well it is good that things have improved whatever.

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  8. I am sorry that things are so difficult. I do think that the current horrendous political situation is making things a lot harder for people who also have other things to think about. Which may or may not be relevant to you.

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    1. Things are a lot better for me than many others, it's true. I am just a worrier.

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  9. Eeeeewas this a load of gibberish bollocks?

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    1. No. You are just too much of an idiot to know what it was.

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