Rachel wrote a bit about the long-term effects of abandonment, and this sort of reflection always puts me in mind of a childhood incident which I still find very painful to remember.
I was the youngest of four children, so when my mother had a meltdown in the kitchen one afternoon, I was the only one around to witness it. I became the outlet, because everyone was away or out.
In later years, I learned that this incident took place at a time when my parents were going through severe financial difficulties resulting in a drastic deterioration of their relationship. It probably coincided with the menopause too.
She had been very quiet whilst she did the washing-up at the sink, and I could not see any expression on her face with her back turned to me. It would be an understatement to say that what happened next was unexpected.
She suddenly stormed out and returned to the kitchen with her hat and coat on. I was shocked, and asked her where she was going.
"I have had enough of you!" she screamed. "All I ever do is cook and wash for you and I get no thanks whatsoever from anyone!"
I asked when she was coming home, and she told me she was never coming back. This is when I became hysterical.
I begged her to stay with tears streaming down my face and she made a few feigned moves toward the door, then stood in front of me and made me promise to behave myself in the future, or she really would go forever. I would have agreed to anything at the time, even though I could not recall being particularly badly behaved that day.
She wore the same, green coat all the way through my childhood and I remember thinking that if she took it off, all would be well. It took quite a while for her to remove it and hang it back up, and by the time she did I was utterly exhausted, both physically and emotionally.
This one event changed the way I would deal with all women in my adult future.
I wish we could just erase painful memories.
ReplyDeleteI think they serve a purpose. Reflecting on them helps to modify your own behaviour rather than passing on the experience to others to see what it feels like to be on the other side. Many abused children grow into people who abuse children.
DeleteI can often see the little child we each carry inside,He's always with us.
DeleteI once went out with a bloke who told me about his mother having an affair when he was a child and every time she had her coat on it meant she was going out to see her lover. She would get the tea ready with her coat on. He had a phobia about anybody keeping a coat on in the house. Eventually the family split when the father went to work abroad taking the two sons with him and mother was supposed to follow to join a few days later on a different flight. Of course she never went and they didn't see her again. He was a terribly mixed up individual and prone to violent outbursts and very controlling. He had reconciled with his mother by the time I met him and she was full of remorse about what she had done to the family. The lover she stayed back for had dumped her soon after and she lived alone in a bed sit for the rest of her life.
ReplyDeleteYou did well to moderate your behaviour and learn from your experience. The man I describe above who was only in his late 20s had already been married twice and found relationships extremely difficult because he basically didn't trust women.
DeleteFor years, I kept my packed bag right next to the door of any woman that I lived with.
DeleteThankfully I had an extremely happy childhood and I do in quite a large part credit the fact that I have had not one but two happy and stress free marriages to that.
ReplyDeleteH.I. had the happiest childhood of anyone I know. Mine wasn't too bad on the whole.
DeleteThe sorry thing is that she didn't mean you in specific, there must have been just a last straw that broke her back - and you just got all the load of all her frustration, which is not fair and not right, of course - and a little child cannot see reason and cause and just feels utterly frightened.
ReplyDeleteI was the focus. I think she regretted it later, but never apologised. That would have gone some way to help. The thing is that kids believe everything their parents tell them until around puberty.
DeleteMy mother had outbursts like this with me in the room and I know it frightened me a lot. It was only when I grew up that I realised really she wasn't happily married at all and had married because it was wartime and she had no home of her own to go to, only lodgings. She never apologised to me either.
DeleteIn those days parents never apologied to their kids
DeleteMy mother would always say, "Why is it you only remember the bad things?"
DeletePainfully remembered nicely written
ReplyDelete... he said as he mournfully sucked on a chocolate eclair...
DeleteChildhood trauma often affects our adult lives. Sometimes you must work through it with the help of a professional. Let's just say I live a much happier life now. -Jenn
ReplyDeleteAlways, rather than often I think. I am glad you are happier, Jenn.
DeleteI think of drama my parents could have dumped on us, and didn't, I'm amazed. But, it led to a pretty buttoned up childhood, and that's a whole matter in itself.
ReplyDeleteBehind closed doors, eh?
DeleteYou got it exactly: it would have made all the difference if your mother had, at any point in your life, said she was sorry. The other sad thing is that your mother had one coat all through your childhood. I wonder if she got weary of that coat, but could not afford a new one. I hope she had better days and years after that, and for you, too.
ReplyDeleteThe coat was a symbol of her poverty. She used to e a fashion model before the war, and there was always the sense that she thought that she married beneath her standing in society. All came good in old age though.
DeleteEvents like that do stay with you all your life. My Mom did leave and I was raised by my grandparents. One way or another it does shape how you see relationships. Well said.
ReplyDeleteIn one way children are much more resilient than adults, but it takes a childhood to form an adult. Children bounce better when dropped. They are softer.
DeleteI think all mothers say that at sometime or other "You treat this house like a bloody hotel" etc. Like Weaver I had no real dramas in my childhood, but I do know some who did and it affected them badly. I've always let my own children know how much I love them.
ReplyDeleteYes. I remember you really looking forward to fatherhood with you first child and Lady M. I was once caught in the bedroom of my girlfriend's parents house when her mother walked in unannounced. Over a frosty breakfast she said, "You treat this house like a brothel".
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