Monday 19 June 2017

Keeping a low profile

The current weather was predicted last week, so today I have a team of helpers putting up scaffold for me in the unrelenting 30+ degree heat so I can do the job on Tuesday, when there will be a bit of cloud cover. It is fine being old in the workplace, just so long as you garner a bit of respect. I think the same goes for young people too.

They will not let me work off ladders, but they will not let anyone work off ladders. If I fell from this location I would land on soft, newly laid turf, but rules are rules.

This job involves making newly laid stone look as though it has been there for 200 years. 'Do you use yoghurt and cow-dung?' everyone always asks. No, I use paint. Milk products turn everything a uniform black, and dung contains so much ammonia that it is harmful to the stone. Also, you would have to wait about 50 years for the dung to produce the desired effect anyway, and - What do we want? Results! When do we want them? Now! 

I believe that I was the original pioneer in the techniques involved in artificially ageing stone, and I know that I am probably the best in my rarified field even now. Anyone who is better seems to have gone into the much more lucrative world of scene-painting for films like Harry Potter.

These studio technicians also receive credits for their work. I have to walk away and pretend that I have never been there. If anyone noticed my work, I would be a failure.

I once made some repairs on a very battered bit of stone sculpture for an antique dealer. He left it with me for a long time, so when he came to pick it up he had forgotten the state it was in before delivery.

He said it looked fine and asked how much he owed me. When I told him, he was visibly shocked and outraged.

"But I can't see what you have done to it at all!"

"Exactly," I said. "If you could see what I had done it would be a lot less money."


19 comments:

  1. Do you sometimes get the impression that I recycle stories on a regular basis? Just think of me as the blogging world's version of Radio 4 Extra.

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  2. Well I hadn't heard that story before

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  3. .... A fight for fame and glory

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  4. How good of you to mention we should recognize young workers who are learning and doing well. A little praise is a grand morale booster. Old farts who do a good job expect far more than a little praise.

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    1. I've learned that if you give the young too much praise, they think they don't have to try any more. It should be given out in small doses.

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  5. It never hurts to remind us old farts that you are a very very talented old fart fellow-- less we forget... And I second Joanne's comment.

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    1. I only do it to remind myself, and to remind the people who pay me my rates.

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    1. He didn't think so. I ended up telling him that if he ever argued about my prices again, I would never work for him again.

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  7. We used to use special Indian inks. We had a whole array of colours and it often involved several to make the new work invisible. I suppose I really ought to visit some of the jobs to see if they still look aged.

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    1. My way is supposed to last as long as it takes for the stone to take on a natural colouration. The addition of casein not only acts as a fixative, but also provides food for the real algae and lichen. Why is this not a secret? Because most people cannot get the basic colour right, no matter how hard they try.

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  8. He did pay you gracefully then didn't he?

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    1. He paid, but it was far from graceful. The man is almost totally lacking in grace.

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  9. You could tell them how much they'd have to pay to buy a 200 year old oak and have it planted.

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    1. My client has done just that, many times - well, not 200, but very mature.

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