Sunday 7 May 2017

Swedes have rotten herring, Koreans have rotten cabbage and we have mustard


This jar of 'English' mustard was an impulse purchase from Lidl, where it cost pence rather the the pounds it would have in Waitrose.

Having looked at it and tasted it, I can only think that the procurers of Lidl handed a non-English person a jar of Colman's and said something like, "Make me x amount of thousands jars of this stuff."

The person given this task - having doused the fire out in his or her mouth and returned from the local A&E on a two week course of yoghurt therapy - probably thought, "They cannot possibly want me to reproduce this. Nobody could possibly eat it in any more than homeopathic quantities."

So the first thing they did was to add five times as much sugar as Colman's - if, indeed, Colman uses any sugar at all - then increase the Turmeric content proportionately on the grounds that you just cannot have too much of it.

My father used to make his own mustard and - like most other fathers of that era - constantly chanted the mantra of Mr Colman saying that all of his profits came from the mustard which people left on the side of the plate. Colman's explanation for his wealth was quoted every time we had a roast dinner, even though nobody else ate the stuff but him. The secondary reason why we didn't eat it was that we could not stand listening to the bloody Colman's quote again when we inevitably left most of it on the side of the plate.

He would go to the cupboard and bring out the tin of English mustard powder (one tin will last the average human more than one lifetime except during times of war, when all stocks are requisitioned for use as chemical weaponry) take out a tiny quantity of the powder and mix it with a few drops of water in a small receptacle.

He would put a dab of the paste on a bit of meat, pull a face like a bulldog sucking a wasp, break out in a heavy sweat, then say, "Lovely," in a very unconvincing sort of way. He never backed down. Never.

I still have a half a tin of that mustard powder in the cupboard, saved when my sister was about to throw it out after he died. It never goes off. Nothing would survive entering the tin.




27 comments:

  1. Very good mustard it is. Made in Norwich, (without the e). I used to make the mustard at home. My job. I still have dry mustard in the cupboard but also buy the readymade for comvenience. Tbey also make a mild version now for today's weaklings.

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    1. People who buy the mild versions of it are like the cowards who use safety razors on trains...

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    2. No 'e'? Ok. I will krect it.

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    3. It inflames the locals. Ta.

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  2. I have a sneaking feeling I have already written something like this before... maybe I should have done one of the all-night Dawn Chorus vigil which was ruined by some awful female vocalist last night...

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  3. It really does clear the sinuses but it's a bit too hot for me. I think I'm a bit sensitive in the oral soft tissue department !! I like whole grain personally.
    You really do have lovely hands Tom. XXXX

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    1. Years of Onanism have ruined my hands with repetitive stress damage.

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    2. That one is a myth, whoever you are...

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  4. I still mix my own from powder.

    When I was very small it was always my job on Sundays to make either the mustard (for Beef), or Mint sauce (for Lamb). I used to make it very well too.

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    1. I can see the skill in mint sauce making. Not so much in mixing mustard, though.

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    2. You have to get the ratio of water to mustard right without creating more mustard than you need..

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  5. The powder is used by me in cheese sauce, friends smuggle a couple of tins to us as requested. Will France under Macron allow it?
    The 'what's left on the plate' mantra was one of my Dad's favourites. I don't think that he worried about the 'What's left in the damned tube' before they ever got near to be empty.

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    1. Yes, the powder is the best one for a sauce, unless you go for a Dijonaise. Even then I add a little English to the French - because the French use safety razors on trains...

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  6. Mix it with a few drops of water???
    I always use a few drops of milk.

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    1. Hark at Frenchie. White wine, indeed. Methinks he allows himself the airs, graces, pretty ways and fancy words of of the Frenchie Papist in his high fallutin' receipts.

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  7. The yellow Colman's dry mustard tin can was always in my Granny's cupboard. It didn't take much. I add it to baked macaroni & cheese, potato salad, deviled eggs. I need to look for it in our local market. I want to taste the difference.

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    1. Compare a spoonful with a spoonful of French mustard - taken orally - and the difference will become apparent in seconds. I say 'orally' because we sometimes use the English sort as a foot-bath to sweat out colds.

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  8. Handy Hint: Are Magpies raiding your chicken eggs? Fill an empty shell with Colman's Mustard and leave it for the Magpies to discover.

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  9. I feel like I'm missing something fabulous... I've never made my own fresh mustard. Never even thought of making my own mustard. Hmpf.

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  10. My mum used to mix up mustard to go in my dad's sandwiches. Sometimes she added a little more than she should............
    As for the Lidl mustard, it's why I rarely buy anything in Lidl unless I'm sure it's going to be good. The provenance of some of their stuff worries me and a lot of it just doesn't taste quite right. I'd rather have the proper stuff less often than eat something I don't like or throw it out. Nothing's a bargain if it ends up in the bin.

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    1. Lidl is generally very, very good. This is why I rarely comment about them. This mustard is about as bad as their 'luxury' paté, which is where I completely agree with you.

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