Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Thursday, 16 February 2017
I blame the Queen
I have finished the hugely important (not to fuck up) job for the hugely important client at his hugely important house, and I am cautiously optimistic that it is a success. It is so huge that I cannot get far enough away from it to be 100% confident until the scaffold comes down, so I am staring at square yards of it from a distance of five feet maximum, whereas this will be the first thing anyone looks at when they arrive at the house, 80 feet down in the drive.
In the run-up to it, I have had two identical chest-colds, and during the execution of it I have had a third. I am still having it. I put this down to worry and stress, as well as getting frozen on the first week (whilst using water sprays) and soaking wet for the second, increasing my susceptibility.
I have a friend who I see in the pub, and if anyone shows the slightest sign of having an ordinary cold, he almost runs away from them, turning his head and shielding his face as if confronted by the Gorgon or Dracula. For him, someone must be personally responsible for giving him a head-cold. One person must take the blame, and he spends a lot of time thinking about who that person must be before confidently blaming them for infecting him.
Last night he was in the pub, and when he noticed that my cold had returned, he moved his stool ten feet away from me and ostentatiously turned his head away. I have the same cold as everyone has had in Bath, if not the whole of the South of England - including the bar maid on duty last night. She did a lot of dramatic coughing to let everyone know she wasn't feeling too good but needed the money by working, and this because she too is of a somewhat juvenile disposition - sometimes childish rather than her usual child-like self.
This morning I had a text from my friend saying that he had spent the previous evening at a party with the barmaid and they had both stayed up all night, weakening their constitutions by having lots of fun, if you know what I mean.
As a result of his exposure to her, me and the other few hundred people in his daily life, he now has the chest-cold and blames us for the loss of income through taking time off work, plus he will not feel well enough to go to the pub for a beer for the next few days. He named, blamed and shamed the barmaid for this turn of events, with me coming a close second thanks to the fact that I do not kiss him.
I replied that if he wanted to be 80% sure of not catching a cold during the Winter, he should barricade himself in his flat from November to April, allowing no visitors in or out.
I pointed out that this infection is an epidemic of such great proportions in England, that even the Queen has had the very same chest cold.
I said that to blame me or the barmaid for his particular chest infection was about as pointless as blaming the Queen because he happened to pass through Windsor a couple of days before and picked it up from her.
We always want someone to blame for an epidemic, which is why 'Hong Kong Flu' was named as such. I am surprised that this infection has not been blamed on immigrants.