Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Sunday, 2 October 2016
Morning! Lovely day, isn't it?
By now you will know that my jelly didn't set last night, and if you think that's a euphemism, that's fine by me. I seem to be constanly misunderstood right now - so much so that I begin to wonder if I really do have a mild form of Tourettes which is becoming less mild the older I get. Hey Ho...
Last night when I went back into Waitrose to pick up the forgotten Yorkshire Puddings (no, I don't make my own - our kitchen is too small), I made an impulse purchase of the DVD of 'Mr Holmes'.
All I know about it is that Sherlock comes out of retirement in 1947 and goes back to 221B Baker Street to solve an old mystery. The mystery to me is that if it was as widely acclaimed as it says on the cover, then why had I not heard about the film before now?
In this version, Ian McKellen plays Holmes, but on the cover photo he is playing an extremely convincing John Gielgud. This is not a good omen for me. I am very choosy about who plays my Holmes.
So tonight, I have to decide between The Antiques Roadshow, Holmes, or - indulgently - both. I have no pressing work engagements tomorrow, so I think I could stay up until 11.00.
Just to show you what a strange job I have, the last thing I did on Friday was to execute several hundred spiders by gassing them with poisonous smoke. I fitted some metal conduit pipe to the two crates, put the foggers underneath them, lit the blue touch-paper and retired to a safe place - i.e. Bath.
Their only crime was to be foreign, and possibly venomous. I did not like doing it, and I was only carrying out orders.
Monday's little task will be to re-paint and re-fit our wooden lavatory seat. This is the sort of job which men do after they have retired to a safe place, and - once again - I am only carrying out orders.
My next job will be to remove the bit of Portugese, Rose Aurora marble (the phone cover above is made from it!) splashback which is threatening to fall off on its own and break someone's foot, then resurface the wall before refitting it. More orders.
After that is done - or possibly during the other two jobs - I may get round to fitting the new bathroom door which has been leaning up against the wall of my workshop for about two years, and up against the wall outside the bathroom for another six months.
Thomas will arrive from Bremerhaven on the 10th, and we want the place to look as nice/be as safe as possible for him.